The Ovine Conspiracy of the Sheep

Everyone loves sheep, but no one wants to be one. They are timid, not very bright and smell funny after it rains. They can be tricked, en masse, by a dog. We think of sheep with great contempt; on the other hand, we don’t mind wearing their hair. Like me and my first cousin, humans and sheep have a complicated relationship…

When most people think of sheep, and this is seldom, they are thinking of domesticated sheep or ovis aires. The other five species of sheep are just considered by most to be extra-puffy goats. There are over a billion sheep in the world… twice that if you count the eyes and forget to divide by two. The female sheep, or ewes, can weigh up to 220 pounds, with most of that weight put on after marriage. The males, or rams, can weigh up to 350 pounds; so, think twice before trying to smuggle one out of a petting zoo in your handbag. Domestic sheep have two toes, so in a game of Rock, Paper, Scissors a sheep will always pick scissors…

A sheep has excellent hearing and no depth perception. This means it totally heard the snide remark you made when it accidentally bumped you. They can not only remember the faces of other sheep, they can remember HUMAN faces. So, if you ever plan to do something horrible to a sheep, wear a disguise. A sheep‘s peripheral vision is almost 360 degrees, so it knows you are back there and what you are doing and you should be ashamed of yourself.

So, ARE sheep timid? Well, a very elderly man was killed recently in Cestas, near Bordeaux, France, by what was called by locals, “a trouble-making sheep”. I’m sure it sounded less hilarious in French. The rams can be very aggressive. They determine who runs the flock by colliding head-first into other rams. This insures that the flock will always be led by the most brain-damaged male. Eight percent of rams are homosexual. They rest are just flamboyant with a good color-sense…

We use all of the sheep, which is nice for us but of small comfort to the sheep. We use their wool to make clothing for ourselves, their skin to make leather and their flesh to make dinner. Occasionally, a sheep will donate its organs to make an offal-flavored oatmeal that the Scots eat, more as an excuse to wash it down with hard liquor than anything else. Not everyone enjoys the taste of lamb: Lamb is one of the least popular meats in the United States, barely beating out house cat and lizard.

Sheep are prone to parasite infestations around the anus area, so, if you have one in your home, for God’s sake, put down a towel before you invite it to sit on your couch. Sheep have many predators as well: Wolves, coyotes, dogs, cats, bears, eagles, crows and even wild pigs… basically anything with a mouth and feet.

But, American president Woodrow Wilson kept a flock of sheep at the White House, and he was definitely smarter than he looked. The sheep kept the lawn trimmed and may have authored one or two of his executive orders. Famed author Haruki Murakami wrote two science fiction novels about sheep, both of which had the good taste to avoid the issue of anal parasites. Claymation characters Wallace and Gromit had a recurring sheep character. Yes, it likes Wensleydale…

So, this is the entirety of human knowledge on sheep. Oh, there is also some boring stuff about DNA and, when some sheep fall on their backs, they cannot right themselves, as if they are hairy turtles. Considering how many predators they have and diseases they have to put up with, they do okay for themselves. We, of course, have an edge: When playing Rock, Paper, Scissors with a sheep make sure and choose rock…