Virgo

If you are a Virgo, you are living on Easy Street… probably in someone’s basement, but you’ve got a hot plate and how cool is THAT!? Virgo is an Earth sign which is appropriate because once a Virgo leaves the atmosphere, they tend to have tangible difficulties breathing. A Virgo is more comfortable on Earth and, why not, then? Virgos are substantial. Is that code for “obese”? Not at all; but, keep a dolly handy if you live with a Virgo just in case she goes unconscious on you and you need a way to drag her to another part of the house…

According to people who are supposed to know about these things, Virgo the Virgin is based upon Demeter the Mom. If you still claim virginity after having a child, and people believe you, you will have a long career in politics. Demeter, as a sad few of you know, is the Greek Goddess of Nature, Agriculture and Spot Welding (just kidding… I added the part about “Nature” as a joke). The thing about EVERY astrological sign is that they never seem to have anything in common with the mythological image they are based on. Virgo and Demeter are alike only in that each of them has a head and both ears…

A better image for Virgo would’ve been Sisyphus the Smart-ass. He outsmarted the gods for a few years and bought an eternity of pushing a boulder up a steep hill. Virgos are known for being very hard workers. They are a lot like pack mules except you don’t need to clean up behind a parade of Virgos. And, Virgos tend to be rewarded in much the same way all hard workers are, which is a shame.

But, let’s face it. No one likes Virgos. They are the ones who remind the teacher there was supposed to be a quiz. They are ever vigilant “work-narcs”. Taking a breather and surfing the web? Big Virgin is watching. On the other hand, Virgos can be easily tricked into doing most of your work for you. You simply have to stroke their egos. In this way, Virgos are similar to EVERY HUMAN BEING WHO HAS EVER LIVED. Okay, maybe not Christ or Buddha, which is probably why so many people think they are so swell…

Yes, Virgos, like ants, are hard workers; and, like ants, you really don’t want them in your home. Normally, a stoic makes for a good housemate, but Virgos kind of pick and choose from the stoicism menu. They work hard and don’t complain about working hard… but, they WILL eventually complain about YOU not working hard enough. Like Agent Smith finding New Zion, it… is… inevitable… So, in a way, a Virgo is like an Amish who works hard, shuns technology but owns a string of underage brothels along the west coast; although what an Amish is doing with West Coast property is a mystery because, how would they get there? A horse-drawn buggy could scarcely make it up the steep inclines of the Rocky Mountains. And, even if he DID get to the West Coast, if he had to enforce his will on his employees, who would take him seriously? “Art thee holding out on me, strumpet?” Nonsense! But, apparently, I digress…

I’d like to say that Bill Murray is a Virgo, but no one would ever believe me. Ray Charles was so Virgo it left scars on his torso and thighs. Caligula was a Virgo and was very industrious. If a cabinet needed to be erected or an insolent centurion need to be disemboweled, he was right there with a screwdriver or a rusty hook. Louis XIV was a Virgo and worked harder than ten men, if you selected the ten men carefully. Dare I say, Yassar Arafat was also a Virgo? The implications of THAT will ripple through time like a corn snake making its way through a pachinko machine.

Virgo’s constellation is the second largest in the night sky. If that changes, we’ll let you know. It has nine main stars and several minor stars. Planets have been found orbiting some of the stars of Virgo but none would support life as we know it. Speaking for myself, life as I know it is deadly dull, so I’m rooting for life as we DON’T know it… possibly with more square dancing…

Virgo is ruled by Mercury although Mercury can be overruled by four of the other planets if a quorum is attained.

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