What Your Favorite Beverage Says about You

Yoohoo: You don’t like people who are artificial and fake; however, your drink is a weak approximation of chocolate milk that has to be served ice cold to convince your tongue and your gag reflex to accept it into your body. In this regard, you are not the type to commit a cold-blooded murder; but, […]

I’ve Sandwiched in these Thoughts on Cold Cuts

Bologna: The head honcho of cold cuts. A nice mix of meat vomit, ectoplasm and discarded methamphetamine. In the United States it is consumed in great amounts as kind of a “pauper chow”. When we’d go on a trip, my dad would stop at a grocery store and pick up a pack of bologna, a […]

Why I Ate a Stick of Butter

I couldn’t find the lard. I took it out of the refrigerator accidentally and I didn’t want to look stupid. I’m trying to eat all my food alphabetically and I already finished off the almonds and anchovies. I’m lubricating the inside of my body so that my lungs work more smoothly. My friends were over […]

Choosing Fresh Produce Can Be a Fruitless Endeavor

Check the color. For example, if you are looking at bananas, check for a firm yellow texture with a little green at the top. If the banana is red at the top, it has probably been used as a murder weapon so DO NOT GET YOUR FINGERPRINTS ON IT. Tap watermelons: If they sound hollow, […]

Dinner Party Advice from an Expert on Database Programming

When grilling outdoors, remember not to pierce the sausages or over-flip the burgers; or, you might ruin the inedible chunks of charcoal you’ll be serving. Themed dinner parties are fine but avoid unappetizing themes such as the Medici family, historical infections and typhus. How do you determine when to break out the good china? Think […]

New on Television, this Summer…

My Big Fat Heroin-addict Mom: It is, in fact, the reality show to end all reality shows… at least I hope that’s what it does. A woman with a heroin habit and a compulsive eating disorder tries to juggle two kids… probably because she’s so high that she thinks they are oranges. If successful, the […]