Pubic Confession

A coworker I am fond of told me that she was having surgery, the next day. I didn’t ask any questions about it… not because I am an unfeeling sociopath (the usual reason), but because the probable answer was “vagina”. Yeah, it’s a jarring word. Men don’t like hearing it and women don’t like saying […]

Body Parts I’d Like Plastic Surgeonated

Nose: How best to describe my nose? It looks as if someone added a nose to my face and the next worker on the assembly line wasn’t looking and put another one there. It’s not an especially long nose, nor is it very broad; however, it is denser than high carbon steel. My nose is […]

Still More Medical Advice From a Terse Llama

Dear Terse Llama I had an appendix removed last year. When the hospital realized that I was there for knee surgery, they hastily put an appendix back in; however, it was a MURDERER’S appendix. Consequently, I feel the desire to kill deep in my intestinal area. It isn’t enough to make me actually kill; however, […]

Lurid Facts about Blood

You have enough blood in your body to feed over seventy-five thousand mosquitoes; knowing this, I imagine you’ll still selfishly keep it to yourself for the most part… Mature red blood cells do not have nuclei. This is why they are constantly being laughed at by amoebae… Dogs have at least twelve blood types. DNA […]

Fun Things to Do at the Doctor’s Office

Take a lot of blood pressure medicine before your appointment. That way, when the blood technician tries to get a sample, it will take forty five minutes. Try to talk the doctor into prescribing heroin. Let everyone go ahead of you until the very end of the day, then, when they call you to come […]

I Go Dark: Thoughts on Euthanasia

Fatalists have no problem with euthanasia because, if you are euthanized, that is when you were slated to die anyway… unless you weren’t, then you can’t… it’s really quite simple… total acceptance of everything that is happening to people who aren’t you. If you are Catholic, euthanasia is considered suicide and a deadly sin… so, […]

Ask a Genetically-Modified Bio-engineered Super-intelligent Dog, Pt 6

Dear Genetically-Modified Bio-engineered Super-intelligent Dog, Despite my inviting her, my sister-in-law attended my wedding, which I thought was very selfish of her. That was MY DAY. It was SUPPOSED TO BE ABOUT ME. But, there she sat in the second row, coyly staying quiet enough to be interesting to all those around her. My friends […]