Ask a Genetically-Modified Bio-Engineered Super-Intelligent Dog: Low Fat Version

Dear Genetically-Modified Bio-Engineered Super-Intelligent Dog, My boyfriend likes to sing along with the radio when we are in the car together; but, he only likes to sing along with the all-news channels. The other day, he was singing the NASDAQ to the tune of “Body and Soul”… I know I’m being overly sensitive, but now, […]

A New Idea: Almanac

[Still working on the format, but it will look something like this:] On January 8th, Charles DeGaulle was named president of France’s Fifth Republic. France’s Fourth Republic had fallen behind the couch and their sixth republic was out being cleaned. DeGaulle was permitted to rule by decree until a constitution could be whipped up. He […]

I Go Dark: Benefits of Raising Children in Crates

It makes them far easier to mail. ● With kids safely in crates, you’ll be able to keep your poisons and cleaning supplies within easy reach. ● It helps them to appreciate the right to stand upright, which our forefathers died for. ● Keeping children in crates helps prepare them for careers as mimes. ● […]

New Year’s Resolutions

Exercise more – It’s little things that provide us with more muscle tone and aerobic exercise; for example, buy heavier snacks, listen to music with faster tempos… or, an easy one, try TYPING MORE IN UPPER CASE. ▼ Lose weight – We all gain weight over the holidays and folks like me don’t even wait […]

I’m Just Sayings, Here’s Some More Adages

I felt bad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet and I said to myself, “Hey, he might have some shoes he’s not using”… ♦ Iron bars do not a prison make but they work better than anything you can make with bread sticks and glue. ♦ The […]