How to get Your Party-Goers to LEAVE

Lie on the floor and roll from one side of the room to the other over and over. Tell everyone that the party is moving to the patio. By the time they realize there is no patio, the door is locked. When you want everyone to leave, release toddlers into the crowd. After the adults […]

New Years Resolutions

I resolve to think before I act. Well, actually I haven’t resolved to do that yet, but I’m considering it. I resolve to take the CPR dummy I keep in my closet out for a night on the town. Imagine the look on her face! I resolve to give the people in my life the […]

I Fire Off Some Gun Safety Tips

Treat every gun as if it is a loaded one… unless you are pretty sure it is not, or you want to scare your cousin. They say, the secret of gun safety is a gun’s safety. You might think that would be easy to remember, but, when you actually need that information and remember this, […]

Avoiding the Stress of Christmas

Put your tree up early to a avoid last minute rush; in fact, I just keep mine up from the previous year. If you cook up a nice goose and a Christmas pudding to simulate a Victorian Christmas, be prepared for people to complain about the goose and later to complain about the pudding. They […]

Still More Medical Advice From a Terse Llama

Dear Terse Llama I had an appendix removed last year. When the hospital realized that I was there for knee surgery, they hastily put an appendix back in; however, it was a MURDERER’S appendix. Consequently, I feel the desire to kill deep in my intestinal area. It isn’t enough to make me actually kill; however, […]

Employ These Job Interview Tips

Wear a nice suit, neutral colors and a silk tie; because, nothing indicates that you are a crackerjack spot-welder more than your dressing like an earl. Be ready with three references whose voices you can easily mimic on the phone. Don’t be late. In fact, get there early… like a day early. Sleep in one […]

ASSk the ASStrologer

[Jenny is an ASStrologer and serves New York’s five burros] Dear ASSk the ASStrologer, My boyfriend and I want to get married. Unfortunately, he’s playing hard to get, even going so far as hiring a fake “fiancée” to date him, sleep with him and make wedding plans for next June. It’s obvious he isn’t going […]