How to Write a Best-Selling Novel

They say that everyone has a novel in them. Some manage to get it out and some keep it in until Epicac is available. We revere the best-selling authors despite the fact that OUR stuff is WAY better than anything they churn out. So, why do their books sell a million copies and people like […]

More Literary Thoughts that I Wouldn’t Write Home About

One day I hope to read a FULL autobiography; i.e., one that ends mid-sentence. When a fantasy books becomes a trilogy, that is an indicator that parts of the plot weren’t sufficiently fleshed out to the author’s satisfaction or that after the first book’s royalties the author could afford a nice house but NOT a […]

William Burroughs: A Hate Poem

I’d rather have my nose stuffed with churros Than read William Burroughs. They told me his voice Resembled James Joyce And, that was true enough If Joyce was into porn, feces and snuff His was the only book I ever buyed That I felt compelled to hide So, thanks a bunch For Naked Lunch

My Fruitless Quest for a Nobel Prize

It has long been a dream of mine to win a Nobel Prize. Well, time’s a wastin’ and I STILL don’t even have one. But, it was the LAST STRAW when my best friend and poker-buddy, Denis Mukwege Mukengere, won the Peace Prize for some nonsense about the treatment of women in Congolese war zones. […]

I Hate Melville Scholars!!!

The very last thing I’d ever want to be is a Melville scholar. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy reading Herman Melville’s novels, but, the idea of that being my vocation just feels wrong. It doesn’t feel necessary. I’ve never really heard of a situation that could be made better with the introduction of a […]