Night Lizard

This is an older essay taken from a book I wrote and never published. Before you feel bad for me you should know that the reason it was never published was because I was trying to find a way to kill all the puppies in the world. I was pretty hardcore back then… The Polyphonic […]

Life Hacks for Those Who’ve Given Up on Life

Need impromptu canapés? Just cut regular food into small unsatisfying portions and put toothpicks into them. During a long power outage, a flashlight can be invaluable in that it will give you and your family something to fight over. Club soda stains on your new white carpet? A little red wine will lift those stains […]

The Harbinger of Spring

When you see a robin, you know that spring is on its way… just like when you see your grandmother grabbing her car keys, you know that a big car accident is about to happen. There are other ways of determining if spring is near: Use a calendar, ask a friend… I hear the internet […]

The Volatile Delectation of the Exploding Ant

A recent expedition, by the Natural History Museum of Vienna, Technical University of Vienna, and other contributing institutions, has discovered a new species of ant in Borneo. Normally, that news would have all the impact of three-minute disposable catheter commercial; but, these ants are special. They explode. Colobopsis explodens, when defending themselves or perhaps just […]

Random Thoughts: The Home Game

A man cannot serve two masters; however, with a little instruction, he can serve a tennis ball. If you need a sure-fire way to alienate a room full of people, might I recommend heckling a eulogy? A wonderful name for a doctor who treats impotency would be “Grant Wood”. A little known fact about Formula […]