The Harbinger of Spring

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When you see a robin, you know that spring is on its way… just like when you see your grandmother grabbing her car keys, you know that a big car accident is about to happen. There are other ways of determining if spring is near: Use a calendar, ask a friend… I hear the internet is big now. If you want to go totally old-school, just take two stakes and drive them into the ground with a north/south alignment. Wait for the shadow of one to touch the shadow of another. Did you freeze your butt off while you were waiting? No? Then, I’d imagine that spring is pretty near…

So, are robins still even necessary? They are if you don’t want a massive earthworm uprising that will engulf all of humanity. SOMEONE has to eat those worms and Andrew Zimmern can’t do it all on his own.

The Latin name for the American robin is Turdus Migratorius… a joke that not only writes itself, it also reviews and publishes itself. Let’s face it: “Turdus” is almost the worst name you can give a bird… the worst being “Gymkata”. The Latin word “Turdus” actually means “thrush”… whereas “thrush” is derived from the German word for “starling”. Is it any wonder that ornithologists tend to lose power of attorney early in their lives?

The robin is more abundant than the House Finch and the European Starling; so, when the inevitable war starts, you’ll probably want to side with the robins.

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You can smell the Cheetoh dust…

A robin is just shy of a foot long and weighs about three ounces. It can have a wingspan of sixteen inches so, if you see one on the dance floor, give it some space. Turdus has white markings on its throat and its underside is orange. This means that a robin can eat all the Cheetohs that it wants and no one will ever know; in fact, the primary danger of extinction for an American Robin is the possibility that they might become “dangerously cheesy”. Ornithologists are developing a vaccine for this, despite the fact that creating medicines is a little out of their comfort zones. Turdus Migratorius’ yellow bill has a dark tip that it uses to hypnotize others into believing robins are more formidable than they really are. This makes the robin the most impressive living creature to ever live on this or any other planet.

Robins pair off for a single breeding season and might end up with a different robin the next year. So, if you ever suspect a robin of capital murder, remember that you cannot compel a robin’s mate to testify against it; however, if you wait a few months, they’ll be broken up and you can successfully prosecute…

Robins inhabit most of North America. They can live as far south as Mexico and many only travel north when they get tired of spicy food and diarrhea. Most, however, migrate. I’ve never actually seen one leave; but, I really haven’t been watching them very closely. When they return from whatever neighborhood in Daytona they wintered in, it is usually while the weather is still a little chilly. This makes it easier to stake out a nest and lay some of their godlessly weird blue eggs in it. In my opinion, we shouldn’t trust any bird whose eggs looks like they were laid on the planet of Pandora…

Robins aren’t endangered. To me, it makes them seem a lot less special; on the other hand, I belong to a species that is not endangered as well… so I should feel a comradery with them. We’re both common as the soil. Nobody likes us. EVERYBODY hates us.

Nothing left to do but eat some worms and save humanity…

3 thoughts on “The Harbinger of Spring

  1. Oh you didn’t even have to TRY this time…you had me at ‘turdus’. But I won’t lie…I DID doubt the veracity of your terminology and I DID look it up (in a fit of giggles, I might add). Bravo! A fun read AND I learned something that is going to have me laughing at the poor little robins for the rest off my life…😂

    Liked by 1 person

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