I Wish I Could Believe You

Image result for robin
You’re not fooling anyone, you know…

Every morning that I go to the bus stop, I encounter a robin who pretends to be easy prey to lure me from its nest. Every morning, I walk the same route with the robin just ahead of me making a fool out of itself. I feel as though it’s insulting my intelligence; and, my impulse is to double back and destroy its nest so that it stops what it is doing. This is an example of an “unintended consequence”…

In truth, I would like to confront the bird, but I really don’t want anyone using the phrase, “noticed him explaining something to a robin around five-thirty in the morning” at my competency hearing.

What are some other sources I no longer take very seriously? Glad you asked, citizen…

 

Image result for yellingYelling Television Ads: Volume does not induce confidence in your product. Yes, I know you think that your prices are INSANE and you have my pity. If you were saner, your store wouldn’t look like an empty room with three stereos and three very aggressive salesmen in bad suits. I understand that, if you see a mental health professional, those low low prices could be a thing of the past and I can live with that…

Image result for erica kaneSoap Operas: If something big happens on Friday, you know that the letdown will come on Monday. A drunken astronaut with an evil twin confronts the town schemer with, “Now, I’m finally going to tell you off”. Cut to commercial. On Monday, their encounter will be sharply interrupted by a lesbian nun who keeps a secret child in an abandoned foundry outside of town. Will the town find out about the child? I hear they are going to tell us on Friday…

Politicians who called their opponents Nazis, child-molesters, communists or fascists: Although, Republicans seems to be whittling away at my resolve on this one as they back child-molesters, Nazis and fascists.

Image result for carANY Car Commercial: Don’t tell me how much I’m saving… TELL ME HOW MUCH THE DAMNED CAR COSTS. No other product is sold like this. You don’t pick up a bunch of bananas at the store with the sign “thirty percent off suggested retail price”. Who EVEN SUGGESTED the retail price???

Anyone Who Promises Weight Loss: Losing weight is accomplished through carefully planned exhausting workouts and starving yourself like a Buddhist monk. If an over the counter pill did that, they’d be dispensing them from vending machines on every corner. I would call you “lying scum” but whenever I berate someone, I get out of breath and my chest starts to hurt.

Related imageANY Congressman: Congressmen cannot be judged on whether their statements are true or false. They have transcended that. Words are used only to defend their position and might randomly be true or false. Think of the words as hits with a riding crop to get you thinking in his direction. And, for GOD’S SAKE, don’t fact check him…

Cats: Cute, helpless and loving… my ass! The only reason they have big eyes is so we don’t just shoot them for sport. They seem sweet, as kittens; but, they will grow to be couch-tearing, bird-eating, breath-stealing MONSTERS.

Related imageClothes Ads: I know your aim is to show what the clothes look like when they are on people; but, your models do not resemble me or my body in any way whatsoever. If a zoologist looked at the two of us, she would definitely classify us as different species. Could our species interbreed? It’s not likely to ever come up. These angular, rugged, blue-eyed ideals could fit comfortably in one leg of my pants, with room left over for his Solo-flex. It would make more sense to photograph those clothes on a horse or monitor lizard.

7 thoughts on “I Wish I Could Believe You

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