Greatest Advances in Medicine

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Trepanning: When a caveman got hurt, they were pretty ineffectual… yelling, “Do something! Anything!”. And, trepanning definitely counts as “anything”. Trepanning is Image result for trepanningthe act of boring into the skull, which most people needed like a hole in the head. What’s most surprising is not that early man bored holes in the cranium to treat conditions such as headache and seizure; the surprising part is that many of the patients lived. Why is this medical advance so important? I think it must’ve inspired the physicians’ rule: First, do no harm…

Crocodile Dung: Look, the world is a cold harsh place and many people balk at bringing children into this world… especially a world where crocodile dung is being used as a contraceptive. THAT was ancient Egypt.  Although some people feel that the alkaline nature of dried croc poop made it an effective form of birth control, my theory is, if the man was harvesting it, something essential to procreation may have been bitten off in the process.

Foot-binding: If your “feets too big” you can write a song about it, whine about it or do Related imagesomething about it. Of course, the first impulse, in China, was to bore a hole into the head of the large-footed individual; but, calmer heads prevailed and, instead, the feet were merely broken and mangled. Some call this early form of cosmetic medicine “cruel”… but, is it REALLY cruel if it led to a better life for the subject? The answer to that is, “Yes”…

Sterilization: Animals tend to learn a lot of truths just by being around for a long time and observing. I’ve always found it odd that surgery existed for so long before anyone figured out about infection. Doctors would put their entire hands, unwashed, into a patient’s wound, like they were hunting for voles. They probably thought that they were being pretty selfless, not being afraid of catching the patient’s injury. Even when they proved it pretty conclusively, some old-school doctors rejected the findings and continued killing patients. They, like all heroes, stuck to their guns…

Opiates: Yeah, I know… Opiates are great when you’ve got a long weekend and a DVD of Related imageold Betty Boop cartoons ahead of you; but, it turns out that opiates are also a MEDICINE. Who’d a thought? Well, as a man who gets kidney stones a few times a year, I’d a thought. A few pills can turn an eight hour stone into a bearable event… taking the edge off of the pain and saving wear and tear on my “head-bangin’ wall”. Turns out, these pills that make people feel wonderful and pain-free can also be addictive. Who’d a thought?

Breast-enhancement Surgery: Certainly, reconstructive surgery for a breast cancer survivor is an important use for this procedure; however, the real advance is in bringing a woman’s body more in line with the ideals taught to us by Playboy, Oui and to a lesser extent, Mayfair. In other words, “Boobies! Boobies for EVERYONE!”

The Cast: You break an arm or a leg, you get a cast. Casts were a brilliant invention for Related imageseveral reasons: First, they keep the broken limb immobile without limiting the movement of the wearer; second, they can be autographed. Try signing someone’s eye-patch or wooden leg and see where that gets you. Finally, they are HILARIOUS. Without them, thirty percent of single panel cartoons would’ve never existed and cartoonists would have to compensate for their idleness by taking opiates and having their feet bound…

Joint-replacement Surgery: There’s an old expression: Every man outlives his own knees. If that isn’t an old expression, it really should be, so START USING IT! Our joints really DO wear out, especially if we use them a lot. Knee-replacement allows middle-aged men to continue playing sports until the inevitable collision that trepans the daylights out of his head.

Glass Eyes: I’m as open-minded as the next guy, but I’d never get used to staring into Image result for glass eyesomeone’s empty eye-socket… no matter how he decorated it. And, an eye-patch just makes the wearer look like a pirate or a James Bond villain. Glass eyes, on the other hand, look great. Sure, we know they aren’t real; but, remember that we are the species that invented breast-enhancement surgery…

Attention Deficit Disorder Treatments: Some people think that children should be drugged as little as possible; others think that judicious use of behavior-modifying drugs can help a child with schoolwork and other repetitive tasks. Personally, I think kids should be high as kites most of the time. If you don’t get them used to being drugged out of their minds, how will they cope with college?

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