Killing Time Between Birth and the Sweet Sweet Embrace of Death

Tape a situation comedy that you’ve never watched. Fast-forward through everything but the commercials. Write a review in IMDB… Arrange your socks alphabetically. Start an argument with a tortoise. Go through all of your old Conan the Barbarian paperbacks and, wherever the word “knife” is used, cross it out and substitute “cutlery”… Learn to […]

Think-things that Follow No Pattern

I wanted to recreate what it was like to be a fetus, so I kicked my mother in the stomach… My team lost the “Most Apathetic Team” trophy. The other team just wanted it less… How do you throw away an empty garbage can? I keep trying but when the garbage men see the […]

Ironies That Probably Aren’t Ironic

Rain, on your wedding day… unless the bride’s name is “Stormy”. If it is, you should really check into her past… Finding out, after working beside her for years, that your twin sister was born on the exact same day as you were and in the same hospital… Dreaming that the flight you will be […]

That’s Right: Anteaters

Another animal essay because you, my readers, are worth it. The Secular Objectivity of the Anteater

This Day in History: November 11

On this day in 1999, the House of Lords Act entered into force in the United Kingdom. Essentially, the act stated that members of that house could not inherit their positions…except for some of them…92 of them to be exact…or 89 to be less precise. If you want to be way off-base…a million. […]