Almanac: February 12

The Battle of Herrings was fought on this day in 1429… the medieval conflict with the HILARIOUS name. Supplies were being delivered to the English soldiers that were besieging the walled city of Orleans; but, they were intercepted en route at Rouvray, a settlement with the distinction of being the hardest town for Koreans to […]

Solutions to America’s Debt

A one dollar surtax on every time a Texan uses the phrase, “That’s what SHE said” unless they are using it to convey what a female human or parrot actually said. Sell our tanks and missiles to smaller countries who are already at war on the condition that we get to film it and turn […]

Cliches Repurposed

I’d become that which I hated most: Liver and onions. And, to add insult to injury, he made fun of my broken arm… She was as cute as a button… a sexy button with a butt that wouldn’t quit. The kind of button you’d leave unbuttoned so everyone could see it on your lapel and […]

Why I’m Dating my Wall

The bathroom ceiling rejected me. A wall may become cold and distant, but she’ll never leave me… unless there’s a tornado or something. My wall and I have an active fantasy life. Sometimes, I’ll put a pinup poster on her and pretend she’s load-bearing. Every wall has two sides: The good side… and the horrid […]