The Actress Who Wouldn’t Get Coffee

Lady Dame Ladysmith had won the part of Hamlet’s mother… and why not? She’d been on the stage for forty-five years, had hundreds of favorable reviews and legions of fans. And, this production had action-star Vin Diesel in the title roll, so it was BOUND to be a Broadway hit. The actress was stoked.

But, on the first day, she saw Vin Diesel standing around on his own and she approached him. “Hello”, she said, offering a hand. The actor looked at that hand as if it were expired calves’ brains. Ladysmith tried again, keeping her hand out. “I’m Gertrude”. Vin Diesel snapped, a little irritated.

“Well, Gertrude… you never brought me my latte”

“No, my name isn’t Gertrude–“

“So, you’re changin’ your name, now? Won’t help ’cause I’m wicked smart. I’d make an example out of you but I gotta go do pushups”. With that, he lumbered off, beating his chest a little as a threat display.

Lady Dame Ladysmith made a mental note to avoid the actor when she could; but, the two had several scenes together. She felt that maybe seeing her in her role as Hamlet’s mother might convince Vin Diesel that she wasn’t a production assistant. She got her chance that afternoon when they started rehearsal of the second scene. After walking through it once, she asked the director,

“Your direction says to laugh after Hamlet says, ‘More than kin, less than kind’. But, wouldn’t she view that as a willful attack on her husband King Claudius?”

“Excuse me?”, asked the director.

“I was only saying that–“

“Could someone take their grandmother off stage?”

“I’m an actress”, said Ladysmith.

“We’re all actors, love… at least that’s what we tell ourselves. Let’s keep the scene the way it is”

Vin Diesel cleared his throat, “You know, in Fast and Furious 6, I wrestled a shark into a bear pit and killed them both with a pitchfork”

“Perfect!”, yelled the director, “You, get me a shark and a bear and have props start digging a pit” The action-star had a satisfied smirk on his face and turned to walk away. “Where are you going”, asked the director.

“Push ups”

“Fifteen minute pushup break, everyone!”, announced the director. Lady Dame Ladysmith stood mouth agape. The director turned to her and snapped, “Weren’t you getting lattes?”

It didn’t get much better when the two rehearsed the bedchamber scene. “Excuse me”, Ladysmith said to the director.

“You again? How do you keep getting into this theatre?”

“I’m part of the cast… I was in the SCENE you are just directing”

“Right”, answered the director, “You’re… Latte, right?”

“No”, she snarled, “I’m Lady Dame Ladysmith… I play Hamlet’s mother in this very play”

The director gave her a straight look, “Got it. I’ll do my best to remember you”

“Why is your Hamlet punching me in the rib cage?”

The director called out to Vin Diesel who was bench pressing a couch. “Whadya want?”, he asked between lifts.

“Latte is wondering why you are punching her when the direction is to just throw her onto the bed”

“You can’t just throw someone. You have to work the body first… bring their guard down. Did the same thing in XXX“

The director turned and gave her a “well, that explains it” look. Ladysmith turned bright red and wandered off.

By the time they got to the final scene, the sword fight had turned into a chain saw melee being fought in a burning building while Korean archers randomly fired at the two combatants. Ladysmith lifted the poison cup to her lips but the director stayed her hand. “Don’t drink, love. It’s really poisoned. I demand realism from my cast AND props”

She put down the cup. “Are those real chainsaws and arrows?”, Ladysmith asked.

“Of course not”, exclaimed the director, “Someone could get hurt that way” He called out to Vin Diesel, “You okay, love?” The action star grunted an affirmative. The actress rolled her eyes and grabbed a sandwich from the catering table. She took a bite and contemplated her options.

The director, without turning around, added, “I also poisoned the sandwiches, so be careful”. The was bad news to a woman who’d just swallowed half a sandwich. She tried to get to a phone but the poison was too strong and she died with half a sandwich still in her hand.

Vin Diesel walked over to see what was happening. The director said, “She didn’t take direction well”

The action-star added, “And, she never brought me my latte”…

Moral: DON’T BE A DRAMA QUEEN!