Another Issue of Broccoli and Babes

[Yeah, I found yet another issue of my favorite girly magazine from the early sixties: Broccoli and Babes. What you are about to read is a tribute to the mind-clouding ability of a man’s sex drive.]

Two pecans roll into a gun shop run by a bunch of broccoli. One of the pecans says, “We wanna buy a gun”

The broccoli answers, “I can’t sell you one”

“And, why not?”, demanded the other pecan.

“Because you’re clearly nuts”

Collette

Swimmer Collette, shown here questioning an apple for the House Un-American Activities Commission, enjoys dancing, fine dining and unnecessary stomach surgery. She’s currently studying advanced harmonics at William and Mary College and is looking forward to making great strides in the field until she gets married a year later and is forced to stop.

Her turn ons include camping, long walks in the woods and contracting Lyme disease…

At the DMV, a broccoli is trying to get a learner’s permit to practice driving. The woman behind the counter asks, “What is your birthday?’

“June eleventh”

She sighed, exasperated, “What YEAR?”

“Every year”, answered the broccoli

Alicia

Alicia, shown here getting dressed in a small walk-in freezer, is an enigma. Her mouth says “No!” but her eyes say, “Yes”. Sadly, her fists agree with her mouth… but that’s democracy for you. Don’t like democracy? Then, move to Russia with your pals, the Smothers Brothers.

Her turn-ons include barbiturates, hotel ice machines and stealing kidneys. Turn offs include men who don’t fall asleep after being given barbiturates…

A broccoli was getting dressed after a game of golf with some friends. One of his friends, a russet potato, asked, “Why are you wearing a woman’s teddy under your shirt?”

The broccoli looked a little annoyed, “First, it’s unfair of you to impose your gender roles on me; second, this teddy actually wicks the perspiration from my chest while I play and keeps me cooler; and third, my wife found it in the floor of my car and this is the only way I can explain it…”

Marla

Marla has an old soul. Her otherworldly calm can be deceiving because she can be quite volatile. But, a nice dinner and a movie will keep her placid and interested. Maybe she’ll tell you about the time she shot a bear in her nightgown. How’d the bear get into her nightgown? Dinner and a movie, just like everyone else.

Her turn-ons include skinning hogs, bathing in their blood and wearing their skins in order to actually BECOME the hog. Turn-offs include psychiatric evaluations.