Category: crime

How to Scuttle Porch Pirates

[Sorry ’bout last week. I caught the norovirus] Make your front porch into a giant glue trap. You will definitely catch porch pirates as well as postal employees and that smart-assed mouse that keeps getting into your saltines. ♣ Put a video camera above your front door and rig it so that when the thief […]

Thoughts on Shoplifting I Picked Up Somewhere

Steal only cleanser and headcheese so, if you do get caught, you’ve got a jump on that whole insanity defense… ֎ Claim that you intended to pay for the item but you forgot about it after you stuffed it down your shirt and under your arm. ֎ Admit the items found on your person were […]

Ingenious Methods of Murder

Sneak into your victim’s home every night and steal all his lemons and oranges and wait for him to die of scurvy. ♣ While your target sleeps, carefully drill a hole in his window, insert a plastic straw and methodically suck all the oxygen out of the room. ♣ Stab him with a knife made […]

So, You’re a Hostage Negotiator

It is important that the hostage-taker relate to you. Show him you aren’t so different by taking a hostage yourself. Hell, take HIM as a hostage and make one of your demands that he let the hostages go. ● Some or all of the hostages might have Stockholm Syndrome so, if you are within earshot, […]

Tips for Police Under Deep Cover

To infiltrate criminals you have to look evil. One way is to stroke a cat while you talk menacingly. If you want to look evil and crazy, stroke a dead cat. ♠ Criminals look for little things that might indicate you are an undercover cop. For example: Introducing yourself as “Officer Loco Killer”. ♠ When […]

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