So, You’re a Hostage Negotiator

How a Master Negotiator Stays Calm in a Crisis |

It is important that the hostage-taker relate to you. Show him you aren’t so different by taking a hostage yourself. Hell, take HIM as a hostage and make one of your demands that he let the hostages go.

Some or all of the hostages might have Stockholm Syndrome so, if you are within earshot, try to weave Igmar Bergman or pickled herring into the conversation.

Remember that a hostage situation need not end in gunfire; stabbing and smothering are also viable outcomes.

When negotiating with a hostage-taker, keep a can of green beans handy. He will make demands and, if one of those demands is “green beans”, you’ll have that covered.

If one of the demands is a fully-fueled jet and a pilot, add a stewardess because some of the hostages may want nuts.

Remember to keep low if something goes wrong or you owe any of the police snipers money.

It is important to remember that the hostage-taker is a human being… unless he is a goat; if that’s the case, you can just hit him with a stick until he runs away.

If Steven Segal is among the hostages, this will make things easier because that means there is at least one hostage no one minds dying.

If you negotiate by phone, make SURE the person you are talking to is the hostage-taker. One wrong number and a single mother in Queens ends up with a half million dollars, a fueled jet and a can of green beans.

The longer a hostage situation drags on, the more likely something will go wrong; and, the more likely that Netflix will turn the event into a limited series with Nicholas Cage.

10 thoughts on “So, You’re a Hostage Negotiator

  1. If the hostage taker IS Stephen Segal, all the first responders will quickly get bored and just go home, and Segal will be left trying to impress the hostages and that never works unless they already have Stockholm Syndrome from previous hostage situations, in which case everybody goes home happy.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I was taken hostage once, but when my wife demanded $100,000 to take me back, they let me go. Turned out she was only bluffing — she would’ve taken me back for a can of green beans.

    Liked by 1 person

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