So, You’re a Hostage Negotiator

It is important that the hostage-taker relate to you. Show him you aren’t so different by taking a hostage yourself. Hell, take HIM as a hostage and make one of your demands that he let the hostages go.

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Some or all of the hostages might have Stockholm Syndrome so, if you are within earshot, try to weave Igmar Bergman or pickled herring into the conversation.

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Remember that a hostage situation need not end in gunfire; stabbing and smothering are also viable outcomes.

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When negotiating with a hostage-taker, keep a can of green beans handy. He will make demands and, if one of those demands is “green beans”, you’ll have that covered.

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If one of the demands is a fully-fueled jet and a pilot, add a stewardess because some of the hostages may want nuts.

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Remember to keep low if something goes wrong or you owe any of the police snipers money.

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It is important to remember that the hostage-taker is a human being… unless he is a goat; if that’s the case, you can just hit him with a stick until he runs away.

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If Steven Segal is among the hostages, this will make things easier because that means there is at least one hostage no one minds dying.

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If you negotiate by phone, make SURE the person you are talking to is the hostage-taker. One wrong number and a single mother in Queens ends up with a half million dollars, a fueled jet and a can of green beans.

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The longer a hostage situation drags on, the more likely something will go wrong; and, the more likely that Netflix will turn the event into a limited series with Nicholas Cage.