Ingenious Methods of Murder

Why the world still loves 1970s detective show Columbo - BBC Culture

Sneak into your victim’s home every night and steal all his lemons and oranges and wait for him to die of scurvy.

While your target sleeps, carefully drill a hole in his window, insert a plastic straw and methodically suck all the oxygen out of the room.

Stab him with a knife made out of ice, then use the ice to cool one of your drinks, then, eat the body.

Create a robot that looks and moves like your victim in every way; then, when he leaves his house in the morning, drop the robot on his head.

Put bird seed in your target’s shampoo so when she goes outside, blue jays will eat her head…

If your target rides a bike, string some piano wire up about throat-high along the bike path. Then, while he is looking for the rest of the piano, drop a robot on his head.

Knock your target unconscious and take him to the emergency room. Tell the staff he’s lost a LOT of blood. The transfusion they give him will provide more blood than his body can hold and he will explode. It will look like an accident.

Sneak into the house and turn her thermostat up to a thousand degrees.

While the target sleeps, fill his body cavity with fissionable material and explosives. Set off the explosives and wait for runaway fission to take place turning most of the area around you into a radioactive crater. Repeat if necessary.

I bought my target a toreador’s hat and a red nightie. Then, one night, I released a bull into her house.

12 thoughts on “Ingenious Methods of Murder

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s