Tips for Police Under Deep Cover

To infiltrate criminals you have to look evil. One way is to stroke a cat while you talk menacingly. If you want to look evil and crazy, stroke a dead cat.

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Criminals look for little things that might indicate you are an undercover cop. For example: Introducing yourself as “Officer Loco Killer”.

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When you finally testify in court and they ask what your occupation is, say, “Law enforcement officer”. Definitely don’t say, “Part-time drug dealer”

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When you are helping to bury a body, DON’T TAKE NOTES.

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Create a history for your fake self and MEMORIZE IT. Avoid anything that can be checked such as prior arrests or playing nose guard for the Chicago Bears.

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Remember that drug dealers don’t call their drugs “drugs”. They call them “shit”, as in, “Did you deliver that shit?”. They don’t call money “money”… they call that “shit”, too… as in, “You got the shit to pay for that shit?”. When in doubt, “shit” is your go to word. It’s kind of like Smurfs talking but, instead of inserting the word “smurf” in every sentence you… well, you get the picture. Well, they don’t call a picture “a picture”…

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When you regale your criminal buddies about your criminal past, leave out parking violations and speeding tickets.

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If you get caught going through a drug lord’s desk, tell the person who caught you that you were just trying to get a look at the final exam because you really need a ‘B’ to keep your scholarship.

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Surround yourself with gamblers and hookers. This goes for people who aren’t working undercover as well…

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When you finally reveal who you are to the criminals, be prepared for a LOT of guilt-trips.