Safety Tips for Heat Waves

How to Handle Really Hot Weather

If it is a hot day, be sure to drink enough water. How do you know how much is enough? How much did you drink? Nope, that’s not enough.

Monitor your older relatives for signs of heat stroke. Signs include lack of perspiration, high pulse rate and confusion. If the person staggering around dazed is a wealthy relative, hand them their check book and tell them that you are the president of Earth and he owes you rent money.

Take cold showers to bring down your temperature and to temporarily reduce the length of your penis to one-sixtieth its normal size.

Never leave children unattended in a hot car unless they’ve wronged you horribly by tricking you into writing them a check while you were having a heat stroke.

Wear breathable clothing. That way, even if the heat kills you, your breathing clothes will trick others into thinking you are still alive.

Using your stove or oven with just make your house hotter. If you have to fry an egg, use the sidewalk.

If you have air conditioning, use it. If you waited for me to tell you that, you’re probably handing a check to your niece right about now.

Use copious amounts of sunscreen over your entire body. I’m not sure it will help you, but it IS one of my fetishes. I think it’s the coconut smell…

Don’t use alcohol to stay cool. Use alcohol to get drunk… you’ll cool off when you stagger into the pool.

Avoid throwing a tennis ball for your bulldog, mastiff, boxer or any other dog with jowls. Why? You’ll know when it happens…

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