Other Uses for a Shock Collar

If you have a pressing need for an electric eel, you can make one yourself with a lungfish and a shock collar. Shock collars are great for charging your phone all at once. You can use shock collars to execute hamsters who’ve committed capital crimes. Use one to give your child a mild shock every […]

Thoughts on PANIC

Most of the time that anyone in authority asks people not to panic is just after they’ve told them something sure to evoke panic. The word “panic” is based on the name of the Roman god of wine, Pan. You understand its origins when you note the reactions of a get-together of middle-aged ladies who […]

Ask a Genetically-Modified Bio-Engineered Dog: The Aww-edition

Dear Genetically-Enhanced Bio-Engineered Dog, I’m a professor at a small mid-western university and lately I have been subjected to appropriate advances from one of my students. She KNOWS I’m a professor and yet she continues to make comments to me that are well within social norms and acceptability. How do I explain to her that […]

The Super-intelligent Bio-Engineered Dog Days of August

Dear Genetically-Modified Bio-Engineered Dog: There’s a dead body outside on my front porch. Should I go out and investigate or just turn on the sprinklers and hope that it floats away? Alice in Dallas Dear Alice, Check through the window. If the head of the body is nearest your door, the person might’ve been killed […]

How to Avoid a Doggy’s Bite

For starters, don’t use cologne that smells like bratwurst or kibble, no matter how much it drives the women wild. If you look a lot like a cat, try to make facial expressions that cats are not capable of like concern or empathy. We all know that dogs bite when they smell fear; however, they […]