Ask a Genetically-Modified Bio-Engineered Dog: The Aww-edition

Dear Genetically-Enhanced Bio-Engineered Dog,

I’m a professor at a small mid-western university and lately I have been subjected to appropriate advances from one of my students.  She KNOWS I’m a professor and yet she continues to make comments to me that are well within social norms and acceptability.  How do I explain to her that I am not comfortable with an above-board and non-sexual interaction?

Blocky in Milwaukee

Dear Blocky,

Talk to your university’s human resources councilor and explain your situation.  The councilor might think immediate inaction is warranted or she may opt for a more long-term solution where the university does little or nothing over a long period of time.

Dear Genetically-Enhanced Bio-Engineered Dog,

I am seven years old and I want to be an astronaut.  What should I do?

A Minor in South Carolina

Dear Minor,

There are no seven-year-old astronauts.  And, if NASA were to bend those rules, they definitely wouldn’t bend them for a snot-nose who writes a DOG for advice.  If you absolutely MUST go to space, I recommend learning martial arts, knocking out a real astronaut and taking his place on the space craft.  It worked for James Bond and Neil Armstrong…

Dear Genetically-Enhanced Bio-Engineered Dog,

I’m a thirty year old ex-astronaut who’s been dating the same man for over a year.  Next week, we’re getting engaged but I’m not sure how to break the news to him.  He tells me that I have boundary issues and don’t listen to him at all and he said some other stuff but I was too busy reading his mail to listen.  My decision to get engaged is important and will affect his entire life.  I’m wondering if I should wait to tell him that we’re engaged until after we are married.  What do you think?

Focused in Dubois

Dear Focused,

Sounds like you’ve anticipated all of your fiancee’s needs except his dire need to get the hell away from you.

Confidential to Willy in Philly:  Remember that the rhyme, “Red and black won’t hurt Jack; red and yellow will kill the fellow” only applies to king and coral snakes.  Tigers are always pretty dangerous regardless of their coloring.