About the Kite

Kites are great for getting outside on a beautiful, slightly windy, spring day and showing all those around you just how much of a dork you are. There is no reason why box kites should be able to fly; therefore, they are a tool of the devil. Others tools of the devil include the scythe […]

Why We Fight

We fight to install freedom in countries that have none and dictatorships in countries that are too free. We fought international communism; then, we fought international terrorism; now, as China buys up the free world, we are fighting international capitalism. We fight to foil the forces of evil and to mildly unsettle the forces of […]

Why We Should have a Dog for President in 2020

A no-nonsense, tough-on-squirrels approach to law enforcement. White House dinners would be much cheaper because toilet water costs less than white wine and most champagnes. If the president commits a crime, instead of an expensive impeachment, he can be forced to wear a muzzle… When in high-level economic summits, the president can work with our […]

Strongmen Lost to the Mists of History

Merman, the Addled: Merman was very strong but also confused easily in front of large crowds. This was evident during a San Diego performance where he lifted a phone book over his head and then tore a mule in half. The angry crowd made to rush the stage, but no one wanted to get pieces […]

I Go Dark Again: Thoughts on Death

I thought that I was dying, once, but my life did NOT flash before my eyes. Instead, I relived the final season of Three’s Company, which was nice because Priscilla Barnes was just coming into her own, then. If I’m ever found dead in a motel room in women’s underwear, I hope to God I’m […]