So, You’ve Decided to Take Hostages

When you promise to kill a hostage every hour until your demands are met, BE SURE YOU HAVE A WATCH OR OTHER TIME PIECE. There’s nothing more embarrassing than having to ask the authorities what time it is. ● When you give a list of demands, be sure and include, “the right to ask for […]

So, You’re in a Western Movie and You’ve Been Challenged to a Gunfight

If you are fighting a good guy, don’t worry about it. He’ll either shoot you in the shoulder or the hand so you won’t die until sepsis or gangrene kicks in three days later. ♣ When having a gun-fight, always keep the Sun behind you because why add skin cancer to being shot? ♣ If […]

Almanac: February 5th

The Mexican Constitution was adopted on this day in 1917, by a nice New England couple with a big yard and a swing set. The document set up a Mexican Republic with independent executive, judicial and legislative branches, all working together under a loose affiliation of drug cartels and the Monroe Doctrine. William Burroughs was […]

My Love for You: Part One

When Gertrude Stein said, “A rose is a rose is a rose”. She was only half right. I am deeply, profoundly and possibly in love with you; in fact, I would die for you… I would die twice for you. I wouldn’t die three times for you because people would stop taking me seriously. Your […]

Orthodontia and Me

Braces are a cosmetic procedure… like a face-lift… if a face-lift was done without anesthesia, one square centimeter at a time and with scary disfiguring scars. ♪ If you have braces, no girl will ever date you. Eat a peanut butter sandwich and no one will ever speak to you again. ♪ When that little […]