Orthodontia and Me

Brace Yourself: A Guide to Orthodontia Reimbursement | Dentistry Today

Braces are a cosmetic procedure… like a face-lift… if a face-lift was done without anesthesia, one square centimeter at a time and with scary disfiguring scars.

If you have braces, no girl will ever date you. Eat a peanut butter sandwich and no one will ever speak to you again.

When that little piece of flesh holding my tongue straight got caught on my braces, my classmates got to see what it looked like when a fellow teenager flopped around on the floor screaming in pain like a dying mermaid.

After tightening, it would be like Spinal Tap every time my teeth touched: “Most pain only goes up to ten, but this pain goes up to eleven”

If someone took pity on me and actually interacted with me, the first time one of my rubber bands popped off and hit them in the face would take care of that.

If one of the popular kids wore braces, they were usually off in three months… supporting my theory that popularity actually straightens your teeth.

One good thing about braces is, when I got punched in the mouth by some guy, he got a major infection in his hand.

The orthodontist’s assistant would press her bosom into my arm when she worked on preliminary cleaning. It took years for me to quit thinking of her as my fiance.

Orthodontia is expensive. My parents did without a lot of things to provide me with pain and a solitary existence. This is what is known as a “lose/lose situation”.

The worst part is, after they were removed, I realized that having braces WASN’T what was destroying my social life.

18 thoughts on “Orthodontia and Me

  1. The rubber band popping off and hitting someone in the face made me laugh out loud. Braces really do let you know who your friends really are. The ones that still stick by you after you ate a bag of oreos are true keepers 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  2. That was a lot to sink my teeth into until my teeth dropped into the sink. Then it all went down the drain, and now I don’t know whether calling a plumber or getting a new set of teeth would take a bigger bite out of my dough.

    Liked by 1 person

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