Orthodontia and Me

Braces are a cosmetic procedure… like a face-lift… if a face-lift was done without anesthesia, one square centimeter at a time and with scary disfiguring scars. ♪ If you have braces, no girl will ever date you. Eat a peanut butter sandwich and no one will ever speak to you again. ♪ When that little […]

I Go Dark: Benefits of Raising Children in Crates

It makes them far easier to mail. ● With kids safely in crates, you’ll be able to keep your poisons and cleaning supplies within easy reach. ● It helps them to appreciate the right to stand upright, which our forefathers died for. ● Keeping children in crates helps prepare them for careers as mimes. ● […]

Why We Should All Smoke Cigarettes

Emphysema will get you excused from almost any chore. ◙ A cigarette used to indicate the end of sex, which used to be helpful because, without it, I’d lose my place and keep going long after it was pleasurable for either of us. ◙ When people see you with a lit cigarette, they know you […]

Why I’m Going on an All Mayonnaise Diet

No one recommends an all mayo diet so when I go on one I won’t look like a “follower”. Mayonnaise doesn’t require chewing, which will save my teeth for an extra decade of snarling at people. I ate a lot of raw vegetables as a young man, so if I eat only mayo until I […]