Why I’m Going on an All Mayonnaise Diet

Mayonnaise recipe | Epicurious.com

No one recommends an all mayo diet so when I go on one I won’t look like a “follower”.

Hellmanns Real Mayonnaise 30 fl oz (887 ml) | Rite Aid

Mayonnaise doesn’t require chewing, which will save my teeth for an extra decade of snarling at people.

Hellmanns Real Mayonnaise 30 fl oz (887 ml) | Rite Aid

I ate a lot of raw vegetables as a young man, so if I eat only mayo until I die it will average out to salad.

Hellmanns Real Mayonnaise 30 fl oz (887 ml) | Rite Aid

It is easier to control portions on a all-mayo diet primarily due to how disgusting it is.

Hellmanns Real Mayonnaise 30 fl oz (887 ml) | Rite Aid

Mayonnaise is made of chicken embryos and oil… the same ingredients in fried chicken but, unlike fried chicken, mayonnaise can be loaded into a syringe should the need arise.

Hellmanns Real Mayonnaise 30 fl oz (887 ml) | Rite Aid

If I only eat mayo, when I sweat, I will smell like potato salad.

Hellmanns Real Mayonnaise 30 fl oz (887 ml) | Rite Aid

Mayonnaise doesn’t have as many vitamins and minerals as other foods but it is better for you than eating a crayon.

Hellmanns Real Mayonnaise 30 fl oz (887 ml) | Rite Aid

An all mayo diet is a good way to bolster that old insanity defense.

Hellmanns Real Mayonnaise 30 fl oz (887 ml) | Rite Aid

Mayonnaise can be loaded into any standard enema bag; although, I recommend you use a glass jar instead.

Hellmanns Real Mayonnaise 30 fl oz (887 ml) | Rite Aid

Eating only mayonnaise will leave my freezer free to cryogenically freeze lab monkeys for resurrection at a future time when the cure for being callously dissected is discovered…

Hellmanns Real Mayonnaise 30 fl oz (887 ml) | Rite Aid

 

14 thoughts on “Why I’m Going on an All Mayonnaise Diet

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