Almanac: February 5th

Posted on by masercot

Image result for smuggled snakes

Image result for sombreroThe Mexican Constitution was adopted on this day in 1917, by a nice New England couple with a big yard and a swing set. The document set up a Mexican Republic with independent executive, judicial and legislative branches, all working together under a loose affiliation of drug cartels and the Monroe Doctrine.

Image result for william burroughsWilliam Burroughs was born on February 5th in 1914. Widely respected as a major component of the beat generation, Burroughs spent the first part of his career stealing from James Joyce; but, then he matured as an artist and started stealing from Alan Ginsberg.

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Image result for AquariusIf you were born on this day, you are imaginative and honest… meaning you lie well but feel bad about it afterwards. Some think that you are even ingenious… but, most of those people lock themselves out of their cars at least once a week. Your luck number is twenty-seven; your lucky color is buttercup yellow; and, your lucky antacid is fruit-flavored Tums.

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If you are a farmer, this is the day you clean all of the dried horse slobber off of your bits. Some farmers invite their friends over and make a weekend of it. If they don’t own any horses, this is usually the day a farmer checks his wife and children for aphids. Remember: It only takes one aphid to destroy an entire crop… especially if that aphid has access to tactical nuclear missiles.

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Image result for agatha of sicilyToday is the feast day of Agatha of Sicily. This third century saint was minding her own business, when the Roman governor Quintianus offered to marry her. She refused, citing her vow of chastity and Quintianus’ suspect hygiene. He tried forcing her to work in a brothel but that failed because she refused to sign her W-2 form. Finally, she was imprisoned, tortured and her breasts were torn off. Later, Agatha was sentenced to be burned at the stake but was saved by a friendly earthquake. She died in prison shortly after. Agatha of Sicily is the patron saint of wet nurses, bakers and women who wince.

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Today’s Snippet: “And then she asked me, ‘Is that a snake in your pocket or are you glad to see me?’”

“What did you say?”

“What could I say? I said I was glad to see her. Otherwise, she would’ve arrested me for smuggling snakes”

“So, you got away with it?”

“No… NOW, she thinks I have a thing for her. We have a date, tonight”

“You should bring her a nice gift”

“How about a snake?”

“I think she’ll be glad to see that”

20 thoughts on “Almanac: February 5th”

  4. Feb. 5 is also Weatherman’s Day. I think it should be called Weatherwoman’s Day because the only think more unpredictable than the weather is….
    On second thought, let’s call it Weatherperson’s Day.

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply

    1. P.S. Have you seen my film Notzilla yet? There’s a line in the film that comes after the creatures hatches from an egg and is being hidden under a scientist’s lab coat: “Is that a dinosaur in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?”

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply

      1. Thought I’d select some of your quips and one-liners and feature them as a Guest Post by Masercot (or your actual name, if the FBI will allow you to reveal it) of the blog site Potatoes and the Promise of More Potatoes.

        Liked by 2 people

      3. I saw it previously, but just reread it. Love it. Favorite line: “An urban myth is essentially just a lie that sounds so much like a lie that it cannot POSSIBLY be a lie.” I’ll probably include that in the Guest Blog.

        Liked by 2 people

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Published by masercot