Thrill Rides I Hate

Eco-Swing: You sit in a plastic toddler seat while a machine spins you around until your last meal goes away. It is firmly fastened to the main mechanism by a slim rusty chain that is maintained by a carny who, if he was good at anything at all, wouldn’t be a carny… These tend to […]

I Go Dark, Cattle-Branding

First, pick a brand design that is easy to read, can be reproduced in an iron and is something a cow would be comfortable wearing. Next, check your brand design against the massive database of brand designs maintained by whoever’s job it is to do that. If you find someone using a brand exactly like […]

I Saddle You with these Tips on Horseback Riding

Greet the Horse: Hold out a hand. Notice the horse touching its nose to your hand? It is learning your scent so that, if you do jump on its back and force it to carry you around, it can find you later and kick you to death. Ὠ Be Confident: Horses can sense fear. Exude […]

More Books I Could Never Get Published

Cooking with Substances that You didn’t Know Could be Non-Toxic: Recipes using ingredients that most people think aren’t food, like crayons, Vasoline or kale. The cover photograph was a pie made from caulk and tennis balls. Burning Seoul: Twelves stories of Korean War colonels who risked their lives, fought against communism and contracted gonorrhea. Emphasis […]

Even More Stuff You don’t Know about Me

I was once six foot one inch tall. Now I am six feet tall. I thought my feet were getting bigger, but it turns out they are just closer… ♣ Despite years of research, I am no closer to being able to tell a kangaroo from a wallaby… ♣ I used to teach karate to […]