More Books I Could Never Get Published

The 12 Most Impactful Books to Read in 2018 |

Cooking with Substances that You didn’t Know Could be Non-Toxic: Recipes using ingredients that most people think aren’t food, like crayons, Vasoline or kale. The cover photograph was a pie made from caulk and tennis balls.

Burning Seoul: Twelves stories of Korean War colonels who risked their lives, fought against communism and contracted gonorrhea. Emphasis was on their heroism and how much it hurt when they peed…

I Missed it All: The John Brown slave uprising from the point of view of someone who slept entirely through it. My favorite chapter: The REM Sleep.

Desire Under the Alligators: LINK HERE…Shameless self-promotion but, I hear that, if you read the entire outline, you will have much double-plenty family good fortune.

How to Turn Old Civil War Canons into Bookcases, for Dummies: I think I may have dumbed it down too much… or not enough…

So Far Away from Me: An epic multi-volume romance that follows generations of Australian cattle ranchers, told from the point of view of someone watching them with a telescope from the southernmost tip of Indonesia.

Easy Probate: In which I describe how to create a “living will” from the corpses of recently buried wills. Careful! If the townspeople find out, they will descend upon you with torches and pitchforks…

So Let Down: An eight hundred page brilliant satire that revolves around the time I bought milk but accidentally left it in the car… Some say it is the most boring novel they’ve ever read; but, I prefer to think of it as four hundred and twenty boring short stories.

Make your Own Volcano and Save!: And, who DOESN’T want to save money?

Folk Music: The Long Road to Kabul: An examination of the least interesting music ever created and its influence on Afghani popular culture. How much influence DID the works of Bob Dylan, Peter Paul and Mary and Joan Baez have on the day-to-day lives of those in Afghanistan. Spoiler: None.

24 thoughts on “More Books I Could Never Get Published

  1. I let the kids have soda once a week, on Fridays with pizza. Since they only get it once a week, I get them the specialty kind with cool flavors like orange cream. To keep them from hiding in the garage and drinking them during the week (it’s happened), I keep them in the back of the car after I buy them on Monday. Throughout the week, I do run errands and sometimes, some other product will hit the sodas and make them fall out of their cardboard carrier. That’s when you see me taking turns at 5 mph because I am listening to the clinking of glass as they roll around the back of the car.
    (See what I did there? That is the boringest story ever, right?)

    Liked by 1 person

  2. “I missed it all…”
    You talkin’ ’bout me again? I’m still trying to “wake up…” Worse, I’m still trying to figure out what “wake up” actually means. I drink coffee, I run, I lift weights, I have outrageous spontaneous sex with random people…but am I AWAKE? What does that even mean? My eyes are open and I definitely feel pain…particularly if my wife starts screaming at me again…but people keep telling me to “wake up…” I’m gonna have to ask my character Paul to address this soon. He seems to be in the process of “waking up…”

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You probably didn’t go to the right publisher.

      I sent a book to Penguin Press and it turned out they were a company that made vises for crushing penguins… AND, they hated my book anyway.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. These are funny. Did you know the author who wrote “Waiting for Godot”, wrote it to intentionally bore, annoy and vex the readers (and to make a point)? No one remembers what the point was, but they remember being vexed. It’s on school required reading lists now.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I don’t much like Godot, but I’m a huge Samuel Beckett fan… mostly his novels. Yes, I do know his aim. Kind of like Eugene O’Neil wanting his audience to be as uncomfortable as his characters. I’ve been to Long Day’s Journey into Night… he succeeds!


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