Greet the Horse: Hold out a hand. Notice the horse touching its nose to your hand? It is learning your scent so that, if you do jump on its back and force it to carry you around, it can find you later and kick you to death.
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Be Confident: Horses can sense fear. Exude confidence. Brag loudly about how many lovers you’ve had or that huge deal you closed on that oil well in Oklahoma. The horse will be impressed and probably want to read your autobiography.
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Eyes on the Path: Horses are essentially the slow cousins to deer and donkeys; however, they know the precise location of every low-hanging branch for twenty miles and your pretend oil well isn’t going to keep them from galloping toward every one of them.
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Mount Your Horse Confidently: Do nothing by half-measures. The horse knows your fear and can sense what zoologists call a “wimpy mama’s boy”. Mount the horse like a champion. For example: Drop onto it from a tree branch while screaming, “Are you NOT entertained?”
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Do Not Grab the Saddle Horn: Most American riders use a Western saddle, which has a “horn” at its front. Experts insist that you not hold onto this while you ride because you really don’t know where it’s been…
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Keep Your Legs Loose: Don’t grip the horse tightly with your legs unless you also intend to implement a choke-hold.
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Slouching: Experts agree that you should not slouch in the saddle because it makes it harder to control the horse and you might also miss some of the low-hanging branches.
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Clothing: Wear a helmet, appropriate shoes and sturdy pants. Sure, what your boyfriend suggested SOUNDS like it might be erotic and fun but remember that one angry bee can be the difference between a sexy afternoon and eight months of skin grafts.
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But, Most of All, Have Fun!: That’s right! Having fun trumps literally EVERY OTHER SAFETY TIP HERE. If you find it enjoyable to slouch around naked on the back of a horse, hitting every low-hanging branch either of you can find until you inevitably grip it between your legs and strangle the life out of it, HAVE AT IT! Their entire existence is based around our amusement, after all…
Potatoes and the Promise of More Potatoes 
For some reason I’m thinking Robbie Williams now … you might need to google him 🙂
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The guy who sang “Candy”?
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I don’t think so, wasn’t that Iggy Pop. He sang a song called Let Me Entertain You. Google Charles, Google 😊
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I just watched a video of him singing Candy. Didn’t Queen sing “Let me Entertain You”?
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I like to wear a helmet, jodhpurs and boots to the grocery store just so people will think I parked my horse in the handicapped spot.
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I lived in some parts of the country where horses were still used as transportation…
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Nice. Rip the humor out of my comment, geesh.
😉
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I didn’t rip the humor out. I stomped it into a pulp. There’s a difference…
If I acknowledge your remark was funny, then I’d have to admit that I can be replaced…
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The not knowing where the saddle horn has been made me laugh. At my gym we are told to put our heads at a certain end of the bench when pressing, and the sweaty balls go at the other. The two should never mix. And then I thought of what that saddle horn has encountered.
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I find that thinking too much produces more nausea than Ipecac…
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Difficult to have fun with so many rules 😅😅
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Unless rules are your “fetish”…
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’d like to be alone with my OSHA manual…
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😅😅😂 made me laugh 🙂
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No horse was ever impressed with my poetry collection. Damn they’re harsh.
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They probably like your individual lines, just not your mane ideas…
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How can I have fun as long as there’s a horse’s ass in the White House?
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Relax. His rein is about over.
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C’mon… I waiting for you to top me…
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Sorry, no can do — but I have stand-ins (or should I say, stand-ups) who can try:
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LOLOL!! I can tell you from personal experience, you can’t bluff a horse. They have the intuition of primary school children when the substitute teacher tries to take over for the day.
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I raised horses for about five years. They were giant thoroughbreds and I was a skinny kid. I NEVER tried to bluff one…
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I don’t recall Maximus doing that while yelling at the crowd in Gladiator, but maybe that was a deleted scene…
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Hey! Where’ve YOU been?
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Being reminded of how annoying real world responsibilities can be 😦
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I don’t like things I can’t figure out (any horse I’ve ever come into contact with), but my daughters friggin’ love them!
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I raised them and I STILL don’t like getting on top of them. On the ground, I love them…
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nice read.
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Thank you, Abdul.
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Foloow my blog, thanks.
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Great ideas I will pass on to my granddaughter. Thanks
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Reminds me of the barrel races with the twelve year old girls and their ponies. It was like they were glued to those horses…
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