I Saddle You with these Tips on Horseback Riding

Cloned Horses Are Officially Here. Should They Be Allowed to Compete? –  Robb Report

Greet the Horse: Hold out a hand. Notice the horse touching its nose to your hand? It is learning your scent so that, if you do jump on its back and force it to carry you around, it can find you later and kick you to death.

Be Confident: Horses can sense fear. Exude confidence. Brag loudly about how many lovers you’ve had or that huge deal you closed on that oil well in Oklahoma. The horse will be impressed and probably want to read your autobiography.

Eyes on the Path: Horses are essentially the slow cousins to deer and donkeys; however, they know the precise location of every low-hanging branch for twenty miles and your pretend oil well isn’t going to keep them from galloping toward every one of them.

Mount Your Horse Confidently: Do nothing by half-measures. The horse knows your fear and can sense what zoologists call a “wimpy mama’s boy”. Mount the horse like a champion. For example: Drop onto it from a tree branch while screaming, “Are you NOT entertained?”

Do Not Grab the Saddle Horn: Most American riders use a Western saddle, which has a “horn” at its front. Experts insist that you not hold onto this while you ride because you really don’t know where it’s been…

Keep Your Legs Loose: Don’t grip the horse tightly with your legs unless you also intend to implement a choke-hold.

Slouching: Experts agree that you should not slouch in the saddle because it makes it harder to control the horse and you might also miss some of the low-hanging branches.

Clothing: Wear a helmet, appropriate shoes and sturdy pants. Sure, what your boyfriend suggested SOUNDS like it might be erotic and fun but remember that one angry bee can be the difference between a sexy afternoon and eight months of skin grafts.

But, Most of All, Have Fun!: That’s right! Having fun trumps literally EVERY OTHER SAFETY TIP HERE. If you find it enjoyable to slouch around naked on the back of a horse, hitting every low-hanging branch either of you can find until you inevitably grip it between your legs and strangle the life out of it, HAVE AT IT! Their entire existence is based around our amusement, after all…

32 thoughts on “I Saddle You with these Tips on Horseback Riding

      1. I didn’t rip the humor out. I stomped it into a pulp. There’s a difference…

        If I acknowledge your remark was funny, then I’d have to admit that I can be replaced…

        Liked by 1 person

  1. The not knowing where the saddle horn has been made me laugh. At my gym we are told to put our heads at a certain end of the bench when pressing, and the sweaty balls go at the other. The two should never mix. And then I thought of what that saddle horn has encountered.

    Liked by 1 person

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