Avoiding the Stress of Christmas

Put your tree up early to a avoid last minute rush; in fact, I just keep mine up from the previous year. If you cook up a nice goose and a Christmas pudding to simulate a Victorian Christmas, be prepared for people to complain about the goose and later to complain about the pudding. They […]

Lesser-Known Ways of Telling the Future

Hold a pendulum over the abdomen of your significant other. If the ball moves in a circle, she’s going to have a girl. If it moves in a straight-line, it will probably be a boy. If the pendulum gets slapped violently out of your hand, she’s not pregnant and you are on thin ice, pal… […]

Remembrance of Things Random

If I had to pick my one biggest mistake in my life, I’d have to pick the time that I opened an allergy clinic right next door to a Africanized bee, shrimp, peanut and ragweed emporium. Older women who are attracted to younger men are called “cougars”. Older men who are attracted to younger women […]

Weak Threats

If you don’t tell me what I want to know, I’m going to have my friend, Boris here, punch me in the testicles. I’m going to get a lawyer and SUE YOU for .02 percent of everything you own! I’m warning you: Stay out of my way or I’m gonna have to veer to the […]

I Feel Motivated to Demotivate

Tomorrow is another day. On the other hand, yesterday was also another day and look how badly you screwed that up. Do your best at everything you try so that, when you fail, you have literally no options. All of your dreams can come true if your dreams consist of dying penniless in a gutter […]

How to Stop Procrastinating

Read the autobiographies of people who accomplish things. Do they procrastinate? No! They work, play golf, sail their yachts and, when the time came for them to write their autobiography, they proactively hired a ghost writer. So, read their lives and absorb their message whenever you get around to it. Make sure all of your […]

Stuff I don’t Care About Anymore

Catlyn Jenner: Man, woman, spirit of the undead… I don’t care what you call her. Her life is a train-wreck and train wrecks are only interesting if they don’t happen on a daily basis. A Comet Hitting the Earth: Blah blah blah… all life as we know it gone. I don’t have time to […]