Why You Should Have a Home Birth

Home birth or bust: Twice as many women are looking to midwives as pandemic  limits birthing options | Williamsburg Yorktown Daily

If you give birth at home, you’ll be able to sign for any packages that might arrive.

With a home birth, the mother can go through the natal experience in a familiar and comforting space which she will forever associate with the worst pain she’s ever endured.

With a home birth, all those unholy womanly fluids that a hospital janitorial staff would clean up are instead allowed to soak into the carpet. The husband will address this stain by throwing a beach towel over it.

Remember: Every employed midwife is another Wiccan off of the welfare rolls…

If you have a home birth, when your child is old enough to ask, “Where was I born?”, you can point across the room and say, right there, where the beach towel is.

Having the family nearby will allow siblings to meet the person with whom they’ll be fighting for their parent’s affection.

Friends will be able to see your baby when it is only a few seconds old which is when your baby will be at it ugliest.

You’ll be better able to keep track of the placenta… so that you can use it in whatever Godless La Leche occult ceremony you like.

Home births are trendy and if you have one, you will be welcomed by the progressive white upper middle class as one of their own… at least until they find out about your deviant placenta ceremonies.

Giving birth away from a hospital makes it less likely for the mother have to endure unnecessary medical procedures such as an unneeded caesarean birth or a surreptitious nose-job…

20 thoughts on “Why You Should Have a Home Birth

  1. Boiling water, sharp scissors… and beach towels. The home birthing kit, available at at a Wal Mart near you.
    Our farming neighbor had his second child that way and brought the boy over to meet us when he was a half hour old. I gotta be honest, my mouth dropped open.

    Liked by 3 people

  2. One more reason: It’ easier to lock the evil twin in the attic without people asking “wait, weren’t there two babies?” This one only works if you avoid prenatal care and don’t have any outside help, though. As you should, of course, if one of your babies is evil.

    Liked by 1 person

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