I’m Sorry, But…

I’m sorry I terrified a bunch of children by acting like I was violently insane; I truly thought I heard hiccups. ♦ I’m sorry I watched Friday the Thirteenth with your kids but I felt that it was well past time that they learned about eye-gouging. ♦ I’m sorry I made you jealous by paying […]

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Some Bland Facts about Tofu

Tofu may reduce the risk of cancer. It might also bring you gold bars and unicorns while you sleep. Women who are going through menopause should eat tofu because the drudgery of eating it is a great thing to blame your wild moods swings upon. Freezing tofu turns it yellow. It is still good to […]

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Regret!

A former nihilist regrets nothing. I regret persuading a friend to give her baby up for adoption. She didn’t really need to but I just wanted to see if I could do it… My biggest regret? That blue whale I accidentally killed. I regret not keeping in touch with friends from high school but the […]

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Talc of the Town

Thanks, Deb! Talc really sucks at being a rock. It is the softest mineral there is… at the very bottom of the hardness scale. I’ve never seen a news headline with the words, “Man pelted to death by talc”. This hardness deficiency is precisely why it hides in baby powder jars. But, talc has an […]

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I am Hunter!

I’m a hunter.  You know… aim, shoot, aim, shoot, aim, shoot, sorry about your car.  Every weekend, I go out into the woods and kill any animals that I’m legally allowed to, plus any poorly-tended livestock I come across.  I AM A SPORTSMAN.  My ball is the bullet; my arena, the forest; and, my opponent […]

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