The Ass and the Grasshopper: 3 Ways

Once there was an ass who slaved all day under the lash with little food at the end of the day to show for it. One day, while being beaten within an inch of his life for thoughtlessly stepping on a crack in the sidewalk, he noticed a grasshopper, eating grass and hopping around happy […]

Why the Part of Dracula should be Performed by a Donkey

Or, how is a donkey like a vampire? (Don’t judge me too harshly. High difficulty level) If you throw holy water into a vampire’s face it burns. Donkeys aren’t burned by holy water thrown into the face, but it sure pisses them off. Dracula didn’t come from Omaha. The same is true for the vast […]

ASSk the ASStrologer

[Jenny is an ASStrologer and serves New York’s five burros] Dear ASSk the ASStrologer, My boyfriend and I want to get married. Unfortunately, he’s playing hard to get, even going so far as hiring a fake “fiancée” to date him, sleep with him and make wedding plans for next June. It’s obvious he isn’t going […]

Ask a Genetically-Modified Bio-engineered Super-intelligent Dog, Pt 6

Dear Genetically-Modified Bio-engineered Super-intelligent Dog, Despite my inviting her, my sister-in-law attended my wedding, which I thought was very selfish of her. That was MY DAY. It was SUPPOSED TO BE ABOUT ME. But, there she sat in the second row, coyly staying quiet enough to be interesting to all those around her. My friends […]