The Ass and the Grasshopper: 3 Ways

Cigarette Cards (Turkish Trophies)

Once there was an ass who slaved all day under the lash with little food at the end of the day to show for it. One day, while being beaten within an inch of his life for thoughtlessly stepping on a crack in the sidewalk, he noticed a grasshopper, eating grass and hopping around happy as an MDMA-glutted songbird. “What are you enjoying yourself for?”, demanded the ass, “Life is harsh… almost unbearable”

it’s just a matter of attitude”, replied the grasshopper. “Do you think I like hopping around like an idiot and eating grass? No! But, every day, I convince myself that I DO. All you have to do is convince yourself that you like being whipped”

I DO like being whipped”, complained the ass, “But, I HATE it when they stop”

An ass was pulling a heavy load and panting with the effort. He looked down and saw a grasshopper, happily bouncing about like a dog in a beef jerky factory. “You know”, snorted the ass, “If you got a real job, you could survive the winter rather than freeze as your kind usually does”

It’s the nature of things; besides, with what I leave behind, I can die happily”

What will you be leaving behind?”, inquired the donkey.

About a hundred thousand dollars in credit card debt”

An ass had reached the end of a particularly horrible day of slaving under the whip and a totally undeserved IRS audit when he spotted a grasshopper in a corner of his stable. “I wonder”, he said aloud, “if stepping on you would make me feel better about my horrid life”

The grasshopper looked up with a compassionate look. “Gee pal”, he replied, “You’ve got it tough. Tell ya what: I’ll do my best to give you your fondest wish. Just whisper it in my ear”

The donkey thought for a moment, then whispered into the area that the grasshopper’s ear would’ve been had he ears. “No problem”, he stated, “I’ll get you a studio band… a guitarist and a drummer prone to choking on his own vomit. You”, he handed the ass a sheet of music, “Memorize these blues chords”

But–”, interjected the donkey.

But nothin’”, replied the grasshopper, “It’s the only way”. So the ass began to work on his blues singing while the grasshopper made the arrangements.

Well, a few months later, the ass was the most popular blues singer in the world. Money flowed in from record sales and concerts. The donkey used his time under the whip and poverty to create a gut-wrenching sound. Every night, the grasshopper would drag his sad ass onto the stage to the roar of the crowd.

But, eventually the ass forgot about his old master and the money gave him a sense of security. The power of his blues dwindled until he killed his career completely by cutting a single with Shakira about soccer or her torso or maybe about pedicures…

When the grasshopper found the ass, he was beside the pool, smiling into the sun with his eye’s drowsily closed.

We can fix this”, said the grasshopper, “Just do what I say and you’ll be back on top”

I don’t want to be on top. I’m happy”

The grasshopper demanded, “But, you said your fondest wish was to sing the blues”

No”, the ass replied, “I said it was ‘the thing that glues’”

Really? So, you just wanted a glue gun?”

The donkey nodded. “I thought scrap-booking might be fun”

So, all this was for nothing?”

I like the pool and the banana daiquiris…”

Yeah… okay…”, the grasshopper considered for a moment, “I think I saw a glue gun in the shed behind the garden. I’ll go get it for you”

That would be nice, thank you”

The grasshopper shrugged, “It’s the least I can do”

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