ASSk the ASStrologer

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[Jenny is an ASStrologer and serves New York’s five burros]

Dear ASSk the ASStrologer,

My boyfriend and I want to get married.  Unfortunately, he’s playing hard to get, even going so far as hiring a fake “fiancée” to date him, sleep with him and make wedding plans for next June.  It’s obvious he isn’t going through with it, so I’m planning our wedding accordingly.  He’s an Aquarius and I’m a Libra.  What is the best month in which for us to marry?  If it helps, the fake fiancée is a red head and has all of her fingers and toes… for now…

Blushing Bride in Bayonne


Related imageDear Blushing,

Next year, in March, Sagittarius will be in the house of Saturn… at least it will use Saturn’s pool and lawn mower while Saturn is out of town.  This makes March the perfect time for whatever kidnapping and Misery-like scenario you’ve got planned for your Aquarius boyfriend.

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Dear ASSk the ASStrologer,

I’m planning on starting my own international finance company just as soon as I can find someone who will buy one of my kidneys.  Every great idea centers around something and MINE centers around the three dumpsters behind the computer store.  As a Libra contemplating matters of high finance, when is my best chance at the bins?  I did some checking and they bins were constructed in late August making them Virgos.

Potential Bill Gates in Mobile


Related imageDear Gates,

Do NOT sell your kidneys.  Libra is not a water sign and there is no upside to selling them; however, selling your spleen, one of your lungs or one of your non-Scorpio children is perfectly acceptable.  As for the Virgo-bins—if you are SURE they are Virgos, it’s best to go at them in the very early morning when Mars is in Capricorn wondering where its newspaper is.  Libras do NOT have a lot of luck in high finance, sadly enough, due to the concrete nature of Libras and the fact that most of them are complete idiots.

Related imageDear ASSk the ASStrologer,

My boss is a cancer… eating away at the efficiency of the company. He’s a Leo… Leo Henderson… he’s a Scorpio, by the way. I’d really like a raise, but he’s never seen my work… partially because he works at the corporate site and partially because I’m not an actual employee. When would be the best time to ask for a raise?

Frankie from Florida

Related imageDear Florid,

Getting praise from a Scorpio is never easy and usually involves a thorn in its paw.  But, that being said, once a Scorpio is on your side, he will be your friend until it no longer benefits him… making Scorpios the most trusted of all the signs.  My only real advice would be to wait until you are hired and have an employee number so he will have something to call you besides “crazy loner”…

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IF YOU WERE BORN ON THIS DAY: You are angry, confused and covered with afterbirth.

12 thoughts on “ASSk the ASStrologer

  1. I think I’m more concerned with the Asstrologer’s immediate need for an orthodontist appointment than I am any of the ridiculous advice. Open mouth smiling with those chompers? Bad idea…

    Liked by 1 person

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