Planning for your Retirement

Nothing beats an IRA or, as I call it, “Charlie’s Impulse-Spending Fund”… Δ Retirement is much cheaper if you live with one of your kids. Choose the one who paused the least when you asked if you could live with him… Δ In warmer climates, nothing beats living in a refrigerator box. Δ There are […]

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A Poem

[Too depressed to write this week… but…] Shelter in place but give each other space and don’t tell your wife she has a face like a horse or she’ll want a divorce and she’ll journey to her attorney and you’ll be stuck in the house with her and rejected and she’ll probably also be infected

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ASSk the ASStrologer

[Jenny is an ASStrologer and serves New York’s five burros] Dear ASSk the ASStrologer, My boyfriend and I want to get married.  Unfortunately, he’s playing hard to get, even going so far as hiring a fake “fiancée” to date him, sleep with him and make wedding plans for next June.  It’s obvious he isn’t going […]

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Andomray Oughtsthay

My mom was pregnant a lot when she was high with me and it didn’t affect my development at all… If you are a good enough liar, you can accomplish anything that you can convince people you did. I think the last big step in our evolution as a species was when we learned the […]

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Monogamy

Is there any word as sweet to the human ear as “monogamy” (besides “weapons”, “balm” and “areola”)? It evokes images of true love surviving through the ages, only getting stronger until it threatens to engulf us all in some sort of saccharine plague. Is it an idealized concept? Most psychologists and social scientists would respond […]

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