Planning for your Retirement

Love in Old Age - TriBeCa Care

Nothing beats an IRA or, as I call it, “Charlie’s Impulse-Spending Fund”…


Retirement is much cheaper if you live with one of your kids. Choose the one who paused the least when you asked if you could live with him…


In warmer climates, nothing beats living in a refrigerator box.


There are plenty of cheap countries that would love to have you. The benefits are low expenses, plenty of cheap help and cholera…


After retirement, if medical care is too expensive, you can pretend to die and, halfway through the autopsy, sit up and announce, “I changed my mind!”… then ask what the coroner what he found.


If your retirement funds are too small, why not bet it all on a horse? Look, “Save Charlie’s Retirement” is running in the fifth race at seventy to one. How can I LOSE?


Supplement your income by writing that book about your life experiences. It should sell pretty well considering the public’s interest in the life details of a man who worked forty years creating spreadsheets for the Army. Hell, add the part about your gall stones and make it a trilogy.


Cut back on food and medical care to save money. If you cut back enough, you won’t need to worry about retirement at all…


Keep your house full of old newspapers, bottles and cans so that, when you retire, you can recycle all of it at once and pocket a nice nest egg of about seven dollars.


Meet someone of the opposite sex your age and get married in order to share expenses. Sure, it’s a sham marriage… but so were all your other ones, apparently…


11 thoughts on “Planning for your Retirement

  1. I feel like my dad was able to retire by keeping the thermostat at 80 in the summer and 50 in the winter. If at any point he felt comfortable in his house that meant someone changed his settings.

    The coroner one was my favorite. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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