I buy fifty cd-roms a week so I can eventually backup the entire internet.
I’m creating a snack food laced with barbiturates called Laze Potato Chips.
I’m hollowing out birch seeds so that, when they are grown, I’ll have a ready-made canoe.
I’m falsifying my driver’s license to match my falsified birth certificate.
I’m shaving my entire body so that, if a giant grabs me, a little vegetable oil and he’ll never be able to hold onto me.
I’m modifying my truck to run in the Indianapolis 500. So far, all I’ve done is take the tailgate off; but, I’m installing a nitrous oxide tank so I can get really high while I drive.
I’m reading Orwell’s Nineteen-eighty-four backwards so that the ending is not so depressing.
I’m going to start my own health insurance company with the fervent hope that none of my customers gets sick the first year.
I’m teaching my son the value of money by having him carry an egg around for an entire week. At the end of the week, I’ll inform him that I’ve emptied his bank account.
I’m learning to swim. This time, in water.
I’m combining a diverse mixture of flavors and textures to create a substance that tastes EXACTLY like a motel pillow. What’s the secret? Mildew and “mouth-feel”…
I’m writing great works of genius that will last a thousand years like lists on bears and an advice column from a dog.