Flightless Facts about Emus

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Emus exist in the wild only in Australia, which is a tough break for them…

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Female emus, or “femus”, are a little taller than their male counterparts (or “counterpemus”). Femus are also a little wider across the butt and pointing that out gets you a hard peck on the head.

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Emus can live up to thirty-five years in captivity, despite efforts to club or poison them.

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Emus have three toes on each foot, forcing them to adapt to a base-six counting system.

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Breeding pairs can stay together for five months… which is how long it takes before the male makes a remark about the female’s wide butt.

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The male builds the emu nest and incubates the eggs. During this period, the female smokes, reads bridal magazines and complains to her friends how laying eggs has destroyed her figure…

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An emu can drink up to five gallons of water a day; consequently, the emu can only sleep in fifteen minute increments due to frequent trips to the bathroom.

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Emus are good swimmers; however, if you want to use one as a lifeguard, pick a male for the job because they are more nurturing and their butts aren’t too wide to fit into an emu bathing suit.

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Emus are omnivores, which would make them the perfect party guest if they didn’t also tend to tear at other guests with razor-sharp claws when startled. Still a better choice than Gary Busey, though…

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Emus can go eight weeks without food, making them the perfect pet for people who don’t want to spend a lot of money on food and only need a pet for two months…

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Ornithologists are unsure as to whether to classify emus as birds or as a pile of feathers and parts firmly attached to two very ugly feet.

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Emus are Australia’s unofficial national bird in the same way that Salma Hayek is my unofficial girlfriend…

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15 thoughts on “Flightless Facts about Emus

  1. You’d better hope there are no female Emu lifeguards, because after all those big butt jokes you’re surely going to drown. Although that’s still preferable to having Gary Busey for dinner…

    Liked by 2 people

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