How to Get Away with MURDER

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Try to avoid leaving evidence behind. Don’t drop any hairs, fibers, saliva, sperm, eye-juice, old comic books or personal checks…

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If someone feels you have a grudge against the deceased, you will receive extra scrutiny. Be nice to your intended victim… really nice; but, if you end up having sex, REMEMBER, don’t drop any hairs, fibers, saliva, sperm, eye-juice, old comic books or personal checks…

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Set someone else up for the crime… a “patsy” if you will. If her name is actually “Patsy” then you’ve also got the benefit of irony.

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If the investigating detective is an unassuming man who has never failed to bring a murderer to justice, for God’s sake, shoot him early on!

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Establish an alibi… people who think they’ve seen you somewhere else at the time of the murder. It helps a lot if these people are pillars of the community rather than someone who advertises “cheap alibis” on Craigslist…

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The murderer is always the person everyone least suspects… so confess immediately and they’ll never think it’s you…

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If you murder someone, guilt often causes you to make mistakes… so before the murder, convert to a belief system that allows murder… like Capitalism, Communism or Amway Distribution.

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They cannot convict who they cannot find… so figure out where the police are going to be and don’t be there. There are an almost uncountable number of places on the surface of the Earth where the police aren’t. If you count the Moon, that number goes up even more. If they catch you, I can only conclude you aren’t even trying to get away.

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Don’t stand over the body with the murder weapon. Even if you talk your way out of it, it could still prejudice the police against you…

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32 thoughts on “How to Get Away with MURDER

      1. Saw my granddaughter and two sons, although one son lives with me. We took bets on how late my ex-wife was going to be. We broke into groups of two’s and talked the whole time. They all left promptly and left half a pecan pie behind…

        … so… Great!

        Like

  1. Do not return to the scene of the crime. Do not “insert” yourself into the investigation by volunteering to do something stupid, like helping to search for the missing body, or follow the lead investigator around town. Love this Mascerot! I’d read your book! And, oh yeah, had to insert my .02!

    Liked by 1 person

      1. But most importantly, what did you think of my .02 contribution? Murderers ALWAYS try to insert themselves into the investigation…at least they do on the TV shows I watch…How could you POSSIBLY leave that out?

        Liked by 1 person

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