Try to avoid leaving evidence behind. Don’t drop any hairs, fibers, saliva, sperm, eye-juice, old comic books or personal checks…
If someone feels you have a grudge against the deceased, you will receive extra scrutiny. Be nice to your intended victim… really nice; but, if you end up having sex, REMEMBER, don’t drop any hairs, fibers, saliva, sperm, eye-juice, old comic books or personal checks…
Set someone else up for the crime… a “patsy” if you will. If her name is actually “Patsy” then you’ve also got the benefit of irony.
If the investigating detective is an unassuming man who has never failed to bring a murderer to justice, for God’s sake, shoot him early on!
Establish an alibi… people who think they’ve seen you somewhere else at the time of the murder. It helps a lot if these people are pillars of the community rather than someone who advertises “cheap alibis” on Craigslist…
The murderer is always the person everyone least suspects… so confess immediately and they’ll never think it’s you…
If you murder someone, guilt often causes you to make mistakes… so before the murder, convert to a belief system that allows murder… like Capitalism, Communism or Amway Distribution.
They cannot convict who they cannot find… so figure out where the police are going to be and don’t be there. There are an almost uncountable number of places on the surface of the Earth where the police aren’t. If you count the Moon, that number goes up even more. If they catch you, I can only conclude you aren’t even trying to get away.
Don’t stand over the body with the murder weapon. Even if you talk your way out of it, it could still prejudice the police against you…
Potatoes and the Promise of More Potatoes 
Fun morning read 🙂 This cracked me up “If her name is actually “Patsy” then you’ve also got the benefit of irony.”
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Thanks, Robyn. How was your Thanksgiving?
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#isurvived 🙂 Honestly I leave my in-laws and think “365 days until I have to do that again.” Which makes me happy because 365 is a lot. How was yours?
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Saw my granddaughter and two sons, although one son lives with me. We took bets on how late my ex-wife was going to be. We broke into groups of two’s and talked the whole time. They all left promptly and left half a pecan pie behind…
… so… Great!
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You nailed what’s always been my biggest problem. That bitch Patsy is never around when I need her…
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But, you can blame… THE GROUNDHOG!!!
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Sadly, our woodchucks have departed the pattern for the winter.
But there’s always next year…
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Just keep your murderous urges on hold until then…
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Do not return to the scene of the crime. Do not “insert” yourself into the investigation by volunteering to do something stupid, like helping to search for the missing body, or follow the lead investigator around town. Love this Mascerot! I’d read your book! And, oh yeah, had to insert my .02!
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It’s a ways off. The above are notes for my chapter on Death. Love is completed but there’s a lot left and it’s a bit intimidating.
But, you know about that, being a writer yourself…
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But most importantly, what did you think of my .02 contribution? Murderers ALWAYS try to insert themselves into the investigation…at least they do on the TV shows I watch…How could you POSSIBLY leave that out?
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The detective that always catches the murderer was a half-hearted allusion to Columbo…
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I say just drop sperm everywhere you go. That’ll really confuse them. As a matter of fact, I think I’ll start now, just in case I need to kill someone in the future.
It’s gonna be a looong day.
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Anyone who makes a comment like that deserves to burn in hell. Just followed you. I’m watching.
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Your kind comment will live in my heart always.
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If we ever meet, I am NOT sitting on your couch…
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Fair enough. Be sure to wear your blue dress.
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Forgot to add the LOL…in case my humor did not translate.
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I figured. Although, if you had been serious, I would have found that funny too.
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True!
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Never send the police taunting letters…particularly using paper that had only one production run, and you’re using the only remaining samples in the entire solar system.
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So, I shouldn’t have used that paper with the letterhead of the motel I was staying at?
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LOL!
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My book is turning into the equivalent of a Mandala…create, create, create…wipe away. Seen by few, but highly appreciated.
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Thats real clever Charles. Think its one of your best … reminded me of Karen (sigh)
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I’ll resurrect her one of these days…
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Oh, a storyline. Is she going to be a zombie 😄
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I enjoyed reading this. It made me laugh. What’s the story about Amway? No one writes that randomly.
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I knew a very nice woman who sold it in the seventies and it was the weirdest sales pitch I ever saw…
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That last one’s always tricky to remember.
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Just remember this mnemonic: DSOBWMW…
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Thank you ffor sharing
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My pleasure!
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