Secrets I Will Never Tell

When those around me recite the preamble to the Constitution, I usually just mouth along until we get to the part about “liberty and justice for all”. When I use a public restroom and someone is in one of the stalls, I will pretend to wash my hands by turning the water on and […]

Real Recent Discoveries in… SCIENCE!

The Journal of Analytical Chemistry reported that moss can be used to inexpensively detect pollutants in the air. An hour later, Donald Trump’s EPA made moss a controlled substance… An international team of geoscientists and paleontologists have discovered more evidence that Alaska acted as a “dinosaur superhighway” from Asia to North America in the […]

Notions and Novelties

What do you call the bottom of a pineapple upside-down cake? I’ve been hypnotizing bears to think that they are caterpillars. My theory is, when they emerge from hibernation, they will have wings; even if they don’t, it will be fun to watch them run from blue jays. My birth certificate has an asterisk on […]

Things You Don’t Want to See During Sex

A Medic-alert bracelet with the letters H-I-V on it. Surgical tools and an empty syringe. Your ex-wife. Her Rottweiler An incredulous toddler peering at you from the doorway while his little mind is shredded into what I’d imagine would be the kind of schism a violent psychopath might develop from. A blu-ray of the movie […]

How Do I Show Appreciation to My Child’s Teacher?

Drop a Xanax into your child’s thermos of milk. Offer your expert opinion on their teaching style. Keep an interest in school board politics so you can mindlessly and violently overreact to some minor incident… Know what your child is learning in school and what part of the Bible it conflicts with. Teachers like when […]