Notions and Novelties

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What do you call the bottom of a pineapple upside-down cake?

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I’ve been hypnotizing bears to think that they are caterpillars.  My theory is, when they emerge from hibernation, they will have wings; even if they don’t, it will be fun to watch them run from blue jays.

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My birth certificate has an asterisk on it and no one will tell me what it means.

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Trix, they say, are for kids… but, no one ever checks your ID.

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If you ever act as happy as a dog at dinner-time, you will be institutionalized.

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It’s hard to arrange to have your baby born at Windsor Castle; but, if you are sufficiently sneaky, you can conceive your child there.

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In Shakespeare’s time, before you stabbed someone, you exclaimed, “Have at you!”, giving the victim a chance to dodge, draw his sword or at least blurt out, “I am slain!”  Today, people just get stabbed without a word.  What monsters we have become!

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Yesterday, I dreamed that I was a butterfly.  Today, am I a butterfly dreaming I am a man?  Or, more likely, a bear?

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Why do we spend so much money manufacturing laxatives when we can just import tap water from Mexico?

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The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn’t exist.  The second greatest trick?  Sawing a lady in half.  Seriously, how does he do that?

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