Secrets I Will Never Tell

 

When those around me recite the preamble to the Constitution, I usually just mouth along until we get to the part about “liberty and justice for all”.

When I use a public restroom and someone is in one of the stalls, I will pretend to wash my hands by turning the water on and off. Sometimes, I come in and pretend to urinate but instead I’m just scanning the wall behind the urinal for graffiti.

I couldn’t join the Coast Guard due to my fear of coasts.

I want to kill a penguin, but I’m too lazy to go to the Antarctic.

Sometimes, I want to die because, one day, there will be a nuclear war where the living envy the dead and I just want people to be jealous of me for a change.

I cannot figure out the design on the back of a dime.

My favorite bird? The Secretary Bird. My least favorite bird? The penguin… they know why.

I tell people that I’ve memorized Hamlet in it entirety because I’m sure that no one is going to bother to test me…

I tell people that I think a woman should be in control of her own body but, secretly, I think I deserve some input on what she does with it.

When a pretty girl gets on the subway, I try to imagine the person next to her naked.