More Random but Very Valid Thoughts

If I ever write a song about a woman, I don’t think I’ll mention her eyes because, if she had an accident and her eyes got burned out or dissolved by acid, I’d just have to write a new song. It’s hard to say which is worse: A stomach flu or a tidal wave. On […]

Weddings in the 21st Century

Anthony and Cleopatra: He arrives in a toga; she on a reed-boat with bare-chested Nubians as oarsmen. The entire wedding party sits in quiet awe as they reflect on what attention-whores the couple is. Redneck Wedding: The band starts playing a country version of the wedding march while the bride runs down the aisle and […]

Jerry, the Mander

Of all the manderings out there, gerrymandering is by far the worst. It changes the composition of legislative bodies in a way disproportionate to the voters’ choice for a ruling party. Let me repeat that: Newton’s Method of solving complex equations CAN encounter local minima and maxima rendering it useless. The trick to gerrymandering is […]

The Only Good Reasons to Own Snakes

No one pays attention to your tattoos and piercings any more. Sometimes you just need the love, affection and caring that can only come from a cold-blooded reptile with a brain the size of a watch battery. You live in a trailer-park in Florida and just want to fit in. Escaped boas and pythons breeding […]

How They Could’ve Avoided a Government Shutdown

Make wages of congressional representatives inversely proportional to how stupid they are acting. Any representative who offers an amendment that kills more than ten Americans will be bikini-waxed. Lock the doors and begin flooding the chamber. Show congressmen films of functioning congresses so they can better understand what one looks like… […]