Weddings in the 21st Century

Anthony and Cleopatra: He arrives in a toga; she on a reed-boat with bare-chested Nubians as oarsmen. The entire wedding party sits in quiet awe as they reflect on what attention-whores the couple is.

Redneck Wedding: The band starts playing a country version of the wedding march while the bride runs down the aisle and states her vows as quickly as possible before her water breaks…

Computer Geek Wedding: Bride and groom get married over Skype; afterwards, they honeymoon seperately in their parents’ basements.

Evangelist Wedding: Under the watchful eye of a portrait of their savior, Donald Trump, the woman promises to be faithful to her man for all eternity and the man promises that he probably won’t beat his wife up very much…

Donald Trump Themed Wedding: Bride recites her vows; then, the groom talks for three hours on the subject of how great he is; then, he stiffs the Justice of the Peace…

Cosplay Wedding: Bride recites vows dressed as her favorite Pokeman; groom, then, recites vows in the guise of Gandalf the Grey or maybe Batman. After they are pronounced man and wife, a social worker takes the groom into another room and explains to him how sex works.

Evelyn Waugh-themed Wedding: Like a normal wedding except, nested in the vows, is the explanation that there are no actual decapitations in Brideshead Revisited. Also, that Evelyn Waugh was a guy.

ICP Wedding: Insane Clown Posse fans are gathered before the altar to watch the bride and groom, in matching makeup, repeat their vows and join together in holy wedlock. Later, a medical professional cheerfully sterilizes the happy couple…

Frederick the Great Themed Wedding: Groom enters room dressed at Prussian ruler, Frederick the Great; bride walks down the aisle dressed as Elisabeth Christine of Brunswick. The two recite their vows in flawless German and are then whisked away to the nearest insane asylum…

Mole-themed Wedding: Bride and groom tunnel to the altar where they recite vows containing secret information valuable to our nation’s enemies. Later, they eat a special meal served in a sauce made out of peppers and chocolate and reflect on the amount of effort that has gone into this one play on words…

4 thoughts on “Weddings in the 21st Century

  1. Thank you. I was kind of blocked this weekend, mostly from worry about the shutdown. But, this little idea made a nest in my empty head and made idea-chicks. Maybe that metaphor is a little labored… what I meant to say was,

    Thank you!


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