A Dead Man Floatin’

The first thing I learned to do in the water was the “Dead Man’s Float”. It’s a great way for your mother to visualize what your accidental death might look like. Frankly, I had thought the Dead Man’s Float was either a Rose Bowl tribute to those who’d passed on; or, a very large glass […]

What is Charlie Up to?

I buy fifty cd-roms a week so I can eventually backup the entire internet. I’m creating a snack food laced with barbiturates called Laze Potato Chips. I’m hollowing out birch seeds so that, when they are grown, I’ll have a ready-made canoe. I’m falsifying my driver’s license to match my falsified birth certificate. I’m shaving […]

Things Better Done Drunk

Night Swimming: If the movie Jaws taught us anything it is that drinking and swimming don’t mix… with sharks, anyway. Without sharks, drunk swimming is GREAT. You can just drift off to sleep above or below the waves (your choice). Was it suicide or stupidity? No one knows!!! Golf: Golf goes with alcohol like softball […]

A Bucket List to Die For

I want to see Naples in the Springtime… still smoldering from a volcanic explosion… I want to weave baskets with Scarlett Johansson… and by “weave baskets” I mean “have sex” and by “have sex” I mean “shoot pool”. I want to drive in the Indianapolis 500, going the wrong way with my right blinker on. […]

More Things You Don’t Know About Me

I don’t have a malicious streak in me; however, I wish I did because I think it would help me to focus better. When I’m watching a movie that I’ve never seen before, I check how much time is left because that will tell me which way the movie will be going. This makes me […]