More Things You Don’t Know About Me

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I don’t have a malicious streak in me; however, I wish I did because I think it would help me to focus better.

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When I’m watching a movie that I’ve never seen before, I check how much time is left because that will tell me which way the movie will be going. This makes me feel like God.

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I hold the rank of advanced beginner in swimming and yet I cannot swim.  If I’m in a pool and more than six feet from the edge, I’m done for… even if it is the shallow end.

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Even at middle-age, I can still touch my toes… if they are detached from my feet and put within easy reach.

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I’ve been to eight thrash metal festivals and haven’t enjoyed a single second of any of them and some lasted as long as eleven hours.  I don’t want to recommend that you use opiates illegally, but if you are planning to do so anyway, right before going to one of these events is the best time.

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I see an episode of Big Bang Theory and an episode of Three’s Company everyday whether I want to or not.  Sometimes I don’t even watch them.  When they are over, I mentally cross them off of my to-do list.

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I broke my hand during my black belt test.  I was trying to punch through two boards with no spacers.  The front board held firm but the one behind it splintered.  Like an arrow wound it was both really cool and very painful.

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I couldn’t remember the exact date of my wife’s birthday for the first ten years of our marriage.  I had it narrowed down to three days in July, so I’d just keep an eye on her and would wish her a happy birthday when she looked angry and disappointed.

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As a sophomore, I was a distance runner.  I didn’t enjoy a single second of that, either.  There’s something pointless about running when you end up exactly where you started.

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I see myself as kind of a fat James Bond.

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I cannot roll my ‘r’s.  I mentioned that to my ex-wife and kids once and they all rolled ‘r’s at me for several minutes in the hopes that my seeing it would show me how to do it.  It didn’t help, but now I know what it is like to be menaced by contented kittens…

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22 thoughts on “More Things You Don’t Know About Me

    1. I tell people that I wouldn’t have taken the karate and gotten as big as I am if I ever planned on running. If I go down, it’ll be like an angry water buffalo…


  1. a day in the life of fat james bond: watch big bang theory, touch toes, swim 5 ft, running nowhere, kicking boards only to realize the case of the birthday girl is still unsolved

    Liked by 1 person

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