Touching… What is Appropriate?

Elbow: The elbow is to the human body what Amarillo is to the United States: Something dry, hard and unpleasant looking, but no one is going to be too bothered if you linger there. It is a useful spot to touch on elderly relatives that you really don’t want to touch anywhere; in fact, when Boy Scouts help old women across the street, the elbow is the preferred touch point. A mortician might touch you on the elbow as a sign of commiseration and to emphasize that he IS a feeling living caring person and not some twisted ghoul who can only become sexually aroused when his partner is tied up and blinded…

Shoulders: You can touch someone’s shoulders pretty much whenever you want; and, if that bothers someone, just put your arm around them and apologize. Shoulders are a naturally swell place to hang one’s arms. Of all the safer zones to touch, shoulders are the zone with the least dead dried skin.

The Buttocks: This is a tough one to figure out. Football players slap each other on the buttocks all the time and they don’t look any gayer than your average flaming homosexual. If the same football player slaps his teammate on the buttocks in the shower, then it gets weird. And, when it gets weird, out come the zippered masks. I can only speak for high school football in this regard but I hear it is the same with the pros and college players…

Between a man and a woman, the butt-touch signal has evolved. A smack on the bottom used to mean “good job” or “team player” or “go and make me a sandwich”. Now, it is considered inappropriate regardless of whether or not sandwiches are involved. This is a problem because men are hardwired to smack the female buttocks. Before it became socially unacceptable men were smacking women’s butts to the point of neglecting to even eat. When blue jeans came along, it did not help…

Back: The back is a big place…. just great for slappin’! Slapping or patting someone on the back is perfectly acceptable unless that person has severe scoliosis, so check that medic alert bracelet before congratulating ANYONE. Kneading the back is a different story… that is only appropriate between two people intimate enough to discuss rates at a massage parlor… or couples, of course… but, let’s face it. In every couple there is one person who knows how to massage a back and a second person whose massages make a kidney stone feel like an orgasm in comparison.

The small of the back should only be touched by a loved one, most often while dancing… After marriage, of course, dancing is no longer necessary nor desirable. Then, the small of the back is left untouched until the divorce and the inevitable and regrettable lower back tattoo…

Head/hair: Touching someone’s face or hair is usually a tender and loving gesture. It should only be done after knowing a person for quite some time or after you’ve both ingested a healthy amount of MDMA. Remember that while running a finger through someone’s hair that you WILL find a tangle and the appropriate reaction to that is to withdraw your hand in utter disgust… try not to tear out a tuft of hair while doing it.

Touching the face is a child-like gesture that is almost worshipful; however, you should avoid the eyes and your fingers should go no further into the ears or nostrils than the first knuckle…

Feet: The degree of intimacy involving a foot massage has long been debated by hit-men killing time outside an apartment of four twenty-somethings who have a briefcase that doesn’t belong to them. The upshot is, if you do it, you run the risk of being thrown out of a window and developing a speech impediment…

Genitals: The Holy Grail of touching. If you are permitted to latch onto someone’s genitals, you have reached the maximum level of intimacy. That goes for prostitution as well: If you are frequenting hookers, that is probably your maximum level of intimacy. Obviously, if say Batman were to go to a brothel and use the services, he probably wouldn’t open up to his coital counselor as to his true identity (or, his superhero identity, if he went in as Bruce Wayne)… which is odd because, as the series continues, dozens of people know who Batman really is… and many of them know what Batman’s genitals look like.

This is all moot because everyone knows that Batman mostly has sex with a specially-constructed doll, made out of the same material as the Stealth Bomber, and made to look like Wilma Flintstone. But, I digress…

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s