Flowers That I Hate

  • Lily: Lilies are very unpleasant: They look as if someone were trying to construct a flower, tore up the top part and tried to cover up for it by gluing penises into the center. They are a second-rate flower as evidenced by the fact that, historically, they’ve mostly been given to the dead.

 

  • Daisy: Daisies aren’t anywhere near as bad as lilies, but you really can’t coast on that for very long… Even in perfect specimens, the petals don’t quite fill the circle. It is the slum of the flower world and most insects refuse to even live on them…

 

  • Forget-me-not: This is a five petaled flower that takes its name from probably the most pathetic plea ever. And, if you think the flower is needy, keep in mind that the seed pods will stick to your clothes until you sell them on ebay as “gently used”…

 

  • Carnation: If flowers were cheese, the carnation would be cheddar. They are basically a filler flower, so common that men used to put them in their lapels to cover up the gravy stains. Not so much a bad-looking flower as it is a SYMBOL OF COMMUNISM. Now, I don’t really care one way or another about economic systems, but I demand my flora be above it. Do you see azaleas advocating for a free-market? You do not…

 

  • Black-eyed Susan: A lot like the daisy in that the petals look as if they were glued on cheaply in a factory in Indonesia. Plus, they attract butterflies, which are the welfare queens of the insect world. You will NEVER see a butterfly doing ANY work at all outside of beating its wings to cause a hurricane three thousand miles away. The black-eyed susan may not help the butterfly in any way, but it definitely doesn’t try to discourage them, either…

 

  • Bird of Paradise: Proof that even God forgets how to make flowers from time to time. If you released brightly-colored garbage into the wind and it found itself in a bush, it would look more like a flower than the bird of paradise. I gave my mother a bunch of them for her fiftieth birthday and her body reflexively tried to abort me after the fact. I’m glad it didn’t kill her because then I’d have to contend with lilies, which are unpleasant, as I might have mentioned.

 

  • Crocus: “The crocus is my favorite flower”, said literally no one ever. Why do we plant them? They bloom early. But, they are so short, they are often mugged by the dandelions. The only good reason to have a crocus in your garden is one got mixed in with your tulip bulbs…

 

  • Gardenia: Another flower that looks as if it were constructed out of toilet paper, duct tape and snot. People keep them around for their intoxicating aroma that is describe as being uncannily like the carpet in the closet of a very old woman. If you want to teach your children that they can get by with no talent, the gardenia is an excellent visual aid…

 

  • Daffodil: Unlike crocuses, daffodils are tall and gangly, like that girl in high school who hated sports but played basketball because she was six feet five inches tall. And, like that girl in high school, daffodils spend most of their time with shoulders hunched, shyly facing the ground; in fact, after a rainfall, the daffodil goes from being the tallest flower in your garden to the longest because it will be prone. How do I feel about its appearance? I’ll tell you after I see one standing upright.

 

  • Petunia: The petunia is related to the potato, nightshade and tobacco plants. I’m not saying that there is nepotism in the botanical world, but that is the only explanation for the success of the petunia. It supposedly could chase away evil spirits; but, until I actually SEE an evil spirit fleeing a petunia, I am skeptical…

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